Saturday, 27 October 2012

Chapter 7 - Rainbows Against My Murky Sea




~
The unspoken words
will always be more haunting
than the ones you said.
- Tyler Knott Gregson
~


"Don't you want to know that," he pulled her closer, causing her to look straight into his eyes, "that you have a CHILD!" He finally shouted.

She stood their for what felt like minutes on end, his cold, determined penetrating gaze clashing against her shocked, wide hazel spheres. She felt her body lose all feeling of sensation, a coldness seeping from the tips of her toes to her very core. He let go of his grip on her arms and she felt herself stumble back a few steps. It was as if she had just been slapped with cold ice and burning embers both at the once. She felt the slow burning, creep up through her heart, already shattering it into a million pieces. How could he? She closed her eyes for a second, letting the warm drops of tears that had gathered in them trail down her cheeks. Her fingers crumpled the fabric of her trousers as she took another few cautious steps away from him. "Please leave," her voice was a trembling whisper. 

His eyes widened, not quite sure of what was going on anymore, his expression mirroring that which had been on hers only seconds ago. "But Khushi," he tried, his voice husky and pained. 

She stopped him her hand up in front of him, her fingers shaking with the effort of keeping her emotions at bay. "Please leave," she repeated a raw tremble running through her voice. 

"Khushi but," he struggled, taking another step towards her as she took one back. He attempted to place his hand on her arm but she flinched away, the raw pain, the re-surfacing hatred all too clear in her bloodshot eyes. She watched him like that for a few seconds, the span of time freezing around them. His confused demeanour, her outraged blazing orbs. 

"Please Arnav just leave! Just LEAVE!" She screamed finally, the anger and the hurt both blending into one as her voice cracked on the last note. 

He felt himself loose control again. Why the hell was she not listening to him? Arshia's vivid golden brown eyes flashed across his face, her bright dazzling smile that could put his heart through a thousand leaps. Why the hell did she not want to know about their little angel? Why would she not want to at least see her, no never mind that, hear about her? Did she know about Arshia already. No that couldn't be the case, how would she have found out? His brows scrunched together in fury, his eyes turned into a dark charred caramel, he clenched his jaw, his nostrils flaring. He took another threatening step forward, causing the heel of her foot which she had just taken back to hit the doorstep. He grabbed her wrist. 

She looked at him, pain dripping out of her eyes in the form of hot tears, "Arnav please," she tried this time, unable to bring anymore strength to her voice, feeling completely drained, completely devoid of energy. "Arnav please let me go. Please just go," she squirmed in his grasp as he pulled her closer to himself, his hot breath on her face. 

He stopped himself then, a slow dawning hitting his mind as his fingers nimbly loosened their grip. "Khushi," his voice was gentler, "why would you?" He began again just as she pulled away out of his grasp. 

"Arnav just leave! Just leave just leave!" She began to yell, her screams broken through her unyielding sobs. "Is this what you came back for? Is this why you came back?" She needed to get rid of him, she needed to get it all out and she would. She took a step towards him this time, her eyes like fiery embers. Slightly startled, for the first time in his life, he felt himself take a step back. "This is why you came back! After all of these years!" She continued as he watched her in confusion; her shaking finger, the trembling muscles of her face, her cheeks a dark shade of pink, her hazel orbs like he had never seen before. "To remind me! To ask me! To accuse me! Whatever the hell it is you want to gain! You are just! You are," she was loosing her train of thought again, she could feel it coming, the throbbing at the back of her head, the numbing pain that caused her heart to sear into a million pieces every time. Arnav watched unable to even gulp as she leaned against the wall, her fingers trailing down the smooth paint, her cheek hitting the cold surface, her eyes blinking slowly, large droplets of tears dripping down her face. He watched as she crumpled down to the ground, his senses seemingly having become closed down, he watched her break down, what all that he had done had really meant hitting him truly for the first time. "I, I tried," she gulped, "I tried to save her, I would have given my life to keep her," she hugged her hand to her chest as she sat their, at the corner grieving for what she had lost and he stood there, stock still, unable to fathom what was going on, his unbearable guilt not allowing him to comfort her. "But I couldn't! I couldn't!" She screamed, her sobs ragged and torn, "she was already dead, my baby." She attempted to wipe some of the tears trailing down her cheeks with the back of her hand, "my baby, she was dead," the pain, the heartbreak, those memories of her broken past that she wished did not exist were all re-surfacing and this time she wasn't sure how she would get out of them. 

Arnav gulped down his own choking tears, put a stop to his heart which he could feel slowly sinking to the pits of his stomach. He felt her pain, every burning ounce of it, in equal intensities, he understood her now, why she had reacted in such a way. She didn't understand, no she didn't know the truth, the truth which had been difficult for his own self to fathom never mind a person as broken and agonised as Khushi. He crouched down next to her, putting his arm out to comfort her, his fingers already out-stretched then stopped himself again. A lone tear escaped his eye, he didn't have the right to do that anymore, a man who had caused such pain, taken all that she had had away from her didn't deserve to be the same person that would comfort her. He watched as she grieved with her head between her knees, her tears drenching the fabric of her harems and he thought of how he couldn't even imagine putting himself in her place, of losing a child that you had carried inside you even after all that you had endured and his hand rested on her shoulder of it's own accord. She looked up suddenly, her tormented hazel orbs clashing against his muddied brown ones and in that unblinking moment an understanding sparked between the two. Her loud sobs hushed into small sniffles, she seemed stuck on that point, upon the intense penetrating gaze. 

"That's not why I came here," his voice was controlled yet quiet, his gaze still firmly on her, taking in every tiny detail of her face, her slightly flaring nostrils, the teardrop nestled in her eyelash, threatening to fall off of the brink onto her soft satin cheeks. He moved his thumb to just below her eye, catching it before it fell to the ground in its demise and she flinched slightly, her eyes now startled but he brought his other hand round to her arm and pulled her in closer, his gaze not wavering for a second. "If I tell you that I can feel your pain, that would be wrong," he began, his voice still soft, "if I ask you for forgiveness it wouldn't be enough," he admitted, the clarity in his eyes almost unnerving. "But today neither am I here to accuse you nor ask for your forgiveness, the first which you don't deserve and the second that I don't deserve." She continued to watch him, completely baffled, her tears subsiding now, leaving only salty remnants in it's gait. He moved both his hands on to her shoulders and sighing bowed his head down, closing his eyes for a second he took a deep breath in. She felt her heart beat stutter and pause, her breath hitch in her throat. His voice was a bare whisper, heavy with regret, with anguish, he refused to meet her eyes as he spoke. "Khushi, I don't know how to tell you this, how you'll take it, what consequences it will have on my own life. But I must because I've hurt you too much, I've let this go on for too long. Khushi..." He looked up this time, to hazel orbs of confusion, "Khushi, your daughter, our daughter," he emphasised "our" because he feared leaving it at "your", feared what that would mean, "Khushi she's alive." Her eyes widened, she tried to move away from him but he held on, his grasp firm. "Khushi she never died, you were made to believe that, she's with me, I tried..."

She pushed his arms away from her, pushing herself back then stood up, the array of emotions flickering through her face, inexplainable. "You're lying!" She shouted, fresh tears spurting out of her eyes, "YOU'RE LYING!" She yelled. "You're lying," her voice finally became a hoarse whisper as she broke down all over again. He jumped forward this time, sending his arms around her as she leaned into him, her body heaving with the loud sobs that racked her body. "You're lying, she died, the doctor told me that I had lost her," she continued through her tears as he held onto her. 

"No Khushi," he closed his eyes for a second, controlling himself before he too broke down in front of her. Still holding onto her he brought out his wallet with his other hand. "Khushi look at me, Khushi you need to believe me," he mumbled just as she looked up into his eyes once more. He opened his wallet out, bringing the little inlet for pictures in front of her, his fingers covering up the photo that he had of Khushi and only revealing to her that of Arshia. "Khushi that's her, that's our daughter," he murmured just as she grabbed onto it, her own picture at the far side of the wallet not escaping her eyes for a second. She hurriedly wiped the tears away from her eyes, fixing her blurred vision, her eyes falling onto the smiling little girl. She looked like an angel, large dark eyelashes framing bright golden caramel eyes, a tiny button-like nose, her small toothy smile, the tiny curls of hair that framed her face.  She continued to look at the face of her little angel for what felt like an eternity, not even able to explain the many emotions that coursed through her. He watched her in silence, the tender beauty of Khushi's face, the shock, the love, the relief all too clear in her features, he watched as her hands shook but she still continued to hold onto the wallet with all her might then closing her eyes brought it to her chest, hugging the picture of her little angel to herself. 

Khushi let the warm tears trail down her cheeks, this slow sense of calm spreading through her own being. It felt as if something had been lifted off of her shoulders. She was still alive, her little angel was alive, she felt at peace with herself, she felt this nudging feeling of happiness again. It was all coming back and it was all overwhelming, she sat there for what felt like forever, his wallet in her hands, hugging her little daughters picture to herself. 

He wanted to engulf her in his arms in that instant, make all of her worries, her heartbreak go away but didn't let himself, for he had lost that right a long time back, he no longer felt he had the right to comfort her, not when he had been the one to give her all of this pain in the first place. 

Khushi she's alive 

His words came back to her again, the deeper meaning to them, her fingers on his wallet tightened on the leather edges of his wallet, a new fury now bubbling to the surface. He'd hidden it from her, for 15 months! He'd hid her daughters existence from her. Her small hands formed into fists as she let his wallet drop to the ground. He looked up suddenly, taken aback by her reaction. She stood up slowly, picked up the wallet and outstretched her arm, holding it out to him as he too stood up, his eyes carefully scrutinising her features. She continued to stare away from him, a coldness to her otherwise soft gaze, a light tremble running through her body from all of the emotions clouding her mind. 

"Take me to her," she stated, looking towards him now, her eyes steely and penetrating. He took a step towards her, trying to read her guarded expression, he didn't understand. She didn't seem to want to know anymore than that, he had been so prepared to tell her everything, everything from the beginning but now it seemed she just wanted to see Arshia. He looked down, fearing the worst, fearing the consequences of what it may lead to. 

"Arnav take me to my daughter," she said it on purpose, she was not their daughter, she was only her daughter; her child that Arnav had dared to keep away from her for a year and a half! And she'd be damned if she allowed him to continue. "Just take me to her now, I'll pack my bags in five minutes, wherever she is you're taking me there," she stated with finality whilst he continued to look away from her. That was all she said, she didn't demand an explanation, she didn't ask why he'd kept it from her for so long, she didn't ask where she was right now. All she knew was that she needed to see her daughter and bring her away from this beast of a man, because that's what he was, she had been stupid to think anything else of him. He was a beast, a cold, ruthless, heartless shell of a man whose vengeance knew no bounds. She had been wrong about him then and she would continue to be wrong about him. A man not capable of love did not deserve it back. 


Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could


He stuffed his hands into his pockets, shutting his eyes as the she entered her flat, banging the door shut behind her, almost as if it had impacted off of him. He knew from her cols gaze, her sudden distance, the distaste in her voice. All of those years ago he had committed a mistake; the biggest mistake of his life and he knew that all of these years later he would finally pay for it. 

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could

First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The wight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

He sat next to her, feeling the craft become weightless, his thoughts become heavy, his mind chaotic. His observed the cold exterior of the woman that now sat next to him, the woman that he had created, that his mistakes had given way too. Their moments played through his mind, her soft gentle words, the gleaming tears in her eyes, her endurance, her love, her sacrifices and he felt himself crumble all over again, the pain too real from all that he had caused. And now her unnerving adamant gaze that spoke volumes, let him understand her without a single word and the thought of it made bile rise up his throat. He felt it in his every limb, the loss that awaited him, he knew that just like he had not let her speak her side all those years ago this time she wouldn't give him a chance either. He closed his eyes, leaning back against the seat, a dozen memories of his little angel flashing across his mind and gulped down the tears that threatened to escape him, cursing the fate that was his life, the fact that he'd only known loss from the day he was born.

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could 
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

They both felt it, this new course that their lives would take and they both braced themselves for what was ahead of them; one at the prospect of seeing, of knowing about the one thing that had shattered her life completely on that fateful day a year and a half ago and one at that gnawing thought of the back of his mind of losing the one thing that held his life intact...

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness...



~
She remembered what hope was, and this was it. That inner churning that moves you forward, plows you through life that way the boats below plowed the shiny water, the way the plane was plowing forward to a place new, and where she was needed. - Elizabeth Strout, Olive Kitteridge
~


8 comments:

  1. bastard son of a bitch he kept her baby from her and made her believed she was dead please let her punch him kick him where it hurts my god

    ReplyDelete
  2. He was a beast, a cold, ruthless, heartless shell of a man whose vengeance knew no bounds. She had been wrong about him then and she would continue to be wrong about him. A man not capable of love did not deserve it back.


    and finally all the love khushi had for him was dead destroyed by him with his own hand ripped apart by his anger and distrust awesome update emotional and in your face khushi needed to do bodily harm to him but she is going to rip that cold heart out instead leaving him to crumble and die 15 months he let a mother think her child is dead i am sure that is why maybe she hid that baby from him if having him as a husband and a father its better she had nether thanks for the email awesome writing you rock

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yep all the love Khushi had for him is now lost somewhere. But woah girl! You've gotten so angry :P. Don't judge Arnav just yet ;), this is just half of the story and only what Khushi thinks. Remember she hasn't given him a chance to actually explain anything and he told her as soon as he found her ;). There's also a mention of him attempting to search for Khushi before but not being able to in Anjali's monologue ;).
    So wait and see :) he's not that horrible ;)
    And thank you for your comment! :D xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. is this the continuation of unpredictable love??

    ReplyDelete
  5. yes well this is the main story. In chapter 4 it goes into a flashback - unpredictable love (aka living a dream) it's like a sort of prequel. Then at the end of unpredictable love that's the end of Khushi's flashback and it returns back to When truth Prevails (this one) and it continues from chapter 5 onwards :). Hope that makes sense xx

    ReplyDelete
  6. yes it makes sense :) thank you,its really beautiful,hope you find time to update soon...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you! :D I've just started on this one so hoping for an update by tomorrow :) xx

    ReplyDelete

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BeyondTheStars
I have too many stories in my head and sometimes I just need to put them out there for people to read. Fanfic writing was an idea that I hadn't considered at all until coming across some really good ones on India-Forums so my writing is an affect of too much IF trolling on lazy revision days. I get bored easily from studying (which I do too much of) and writing helps me relax. My life involves a whole load of drama so the twists and turns in my stories will show the effect of that. Anyway hope you enjoy the Arshi fanfics I send your way :).
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