Thursday, 17 January 2013

Chapter 13 - To See His Soul

I'm extremely sorry for this very very late update.. Life has been hectic :( xx

I spend my time watching, the spaces that had grown between us.
- Keep Your Head Up, Ben Howard

He paced around his room for what felt like the millionth time that morning. He wanted desperately to go to Khushi's room and ask her more, to thank her for deciding to stay, to tell her all that he felt, to ask for her forgiveness, to make amends. He scrunched his eyes shut then fell onto the recliner, leaning his head back on the velvet fabric of it. He brought his fingers to his temples and rubbed at them, attempting to escape from the throbbing, the dull ache of too many questions and too little words, the tangle of emotions that he couldn't escape.

It felt like a dream, so unreal in its essence, she'd said she would stay and he didn't even know for how long and he didn't want to ask for fear that there would be a limit, for fear that it would all break and disintegrate in a few more seconds and he'd be left once again with the broken off pieces.

He remembered his confession, for the second time in the wrong way. Why couldn't he just be gentle with her? Why couldn't things ever be right with them, flow in perfect sync and hit high notes? Why were they always reduced to misunderstandings and petty words and feelings that would forever be caged in the confines of them?

But he would have to fix things he finally decided, he would have to for Arshia. He couldn't take from her the perfect family, maybe he was asking too much, expecting too much of her but he couldn't not try, his half formed words and his rash decisions had driven her away once and he couldn't risk it a second time.


Khushi looked up from Arshia as she sucked on her little milk bottle to the knock on the door. She tried to smile back on seeing Anjali's smiling face but it did not quite reach her eyes, she was still bitter and a small part of her still blamed Anjali but she would have to move on from it. She had decided to stay after all.

"Khushiji?" She smiled walking in, it did not escape Anjali the momentary distaste that flickered through Khushi's features but she ignored it. It wasn't in her to make amends for what had happened because that wasn't her place, she knew that Khushi probably still held her responsible even if to a small extent to what had happened and she didn't blame her. Such was Arnav's nature and Khushi would realise in her own time that Arnav had forced her to marry him not to protect his di but because he had thought that she had been cheating on him.

"Khushiji woh... I just wanted to ask if you'd like your breakfast up here or downstairs since you didn't come down yesterday," she finally spoke and waited for a reply, admiring the instant bond that had been created between the mother and daughter.

Khushi gulped, things were moving more rapidly than she had imagine and suddenly she felt herself loosing pace, she took a deep breath in. For a while now she had only known to plow forward, forget and keep going because memories held you back. But the day Arnav had returned that had seized and she knew in that moment that she would have to go back to that. She had made a decision and she wanted to stick to it, she wanted to be there for Arshia, watch her through her milestone, admire her in ways only a mother could do and for that she would have to keep at it, to ignore and forget. Blinking several times she finally replied, "yes Di I'll come down," she smiled another smile that did not quite reach her eyes, only letting her gaze meet with Anjali's for a split second, "you go ahead I'll join you."

Nodding back Anjali finally walked out of the room, she saw the void that lay between the two, she knew of the regret in Arnav and the determination in Khushi's eyes and she knew that she would have to be the one to bring them together just like she had been the reason for them to have torn apart.


She fell into the second chair from the top, pulling it in then regretted it the next second, she had to close her eyes to stop those memories from assaulting her. Her fingers tightened on the edges of the chair, almost clawing away at the fabric, how was she to start anew in a place that was so familiar, in a place that had brought to her only pain?

Then as if remembering something she snapped her eyes open, letting her gaze travel to all corners of the room as she brought her hands up and fidgeted with them till the food was served, her eyes only for him.

Anjali quickly took in Khushi's torn features, the tears that remained on the brink of falling then her searching eyes. A slight smile spread across her lips then; it wasn't difficult to understand the feelings that Khushi still held for Arnav.

 Not wanting to upset her further and wanting to involve her as much as possible in Arshia's life Anjali finally decided to kick-start her plan.

"Om Prakash," she called out finally, she wanted to calm Khushi down, she knew Khushi was wondering as to where Arnav was but her brother had stopped coming to the dining table a long time ago, it was as if he no longer took part in anything that took him out of the confines of the bubble he had created for himself and Arshia. "Om Prakash did you send food up for Chotey? Has he eaten?" She questioned even taking Om Prakash by surprise. Food was always sent upto Arnav's room and Anjali was all but too aware that he only had breakfast on the rare occasions. But it had awakened the desired response in Khushi. Her head snapped up instantly and she wasn't sure of how she felt about that.

"Ji I sent it up but as usual he only had an apple and told me to take the rest back," Om Prakash quickly replied then rushed off.

Khushi let her gaze fall, she was slowly piecing parts of his life together and she didn't know what to think of what he was doing to himself. He looked older than his years and he didn't seem to sleep much and now she understood that he didn't have much breakfast. Why was he doing this to himself?

Because I love you damn it

Why couldn't she escape his words even if they had been screamed out in anger? Always his temper, his rash decisions, why couldn't he just change?

Realising Khushi's restlessness Anjali spoke again, "Khushiji, Arshia has an appointment today," she began as their gazes met once more, Khushi's eyes widened and worry etched in the features of her face.

Anjali shook her head slowly, blinking several times, "no no there's nothing wrong, it's just a regular monthly check-up, since she was pre-term they continue them for a bit longer," she reassured Khushi, watching the blood drain back into her face as she breathed a sigh of relief.

"I think," she attempted to correct herself before she continued, pursing her lips and thinking of the best way to put it forward, "I'm sorry I don't mean to interfere," she added in for caution, "but maybe you could go with Chotey and get a glimpse into her history... I mean," she struggled with her words.

Nodding Khushi finally cut in, "yes Di I'll go with him," she finally smiled, she didn't miss out on the fact that Anjali was trying to make amends and maybe she could forgive her... Someday.


"Yes Aman that's fine, just get the reports ready and send them over, I'll have a look."

He was in deep conversation when she finally arrived at his door and she felt herself falling back into the dark abyss of her memories again.

"I won't be attending today... No... Arshia... Yes... Okay Aman," he sensed her at the door, he would never not recognise the reckless increase in the beats of his heart, how he could just feel her presence even now. He turned his head around slowly, caramel orbs clashing against soft hazel for a fraction of a second before she lowered her eyes. "Aman I'll call you later," he quickly muttered then began to walk towards her.

She couldn't help but look up towards him once more, since when had he began to prioritise her?

I'm trying to fix things

She closed her eyes, she couldn't do this, maybe she shouldn't have stayed.

He was sure he could read the discomfort in her actions and he immediately retreated a step back, he didn't want her to feel that way, he feared that she would leave him again, that he would lose her again.

He waited for her to open her eyes, not even questioning why she had turned up at his door, his patience at another level that he only now seemed to reserve for Khushi and Arshia as he fiddled with his phone.

She opened her eyes slowly, having them immediately clash with his melted chocolate ones, it was still unnerving, the fact that they were able to converse, look eye to eye, she couldn't place the last time they had had this familiarity before she had packed up and left. Taking a deep breath in she finally began, it was still difficult for her to have a conversation with him, it was almost as if this was all new to her and in a way it wasn't even right.

"Erm... Actually... Anjali di said Arshia had an erm appointment today," she spoke with her eyes downcast there was just something in his gaze that seemed to penetrate to the core of her soul and she didn't want that, for fear that that would give too much away.

The smallest of smiles tugged at his lips as he nodded slowly, "yeh I was actually going to come ask you if you wanted to come after I was done," he stated, he wanted to say more but didn't know what to say. They both stood there for a few seconds, not really saying much, both their hearts pounding away to reckless rhythms. His eyes flickered left right and center as he racked his mind for words and she kept her gaze to the floor, her breaths heavy as she waited for him to continue.

"Erm so ..." He finally began again as her eyes came up to meet his, "if you want to get ready I'll get Arshia ready?" He posed it as a question, he wanted her to always feel like she was an integral part of Arshia's life.

She nodded slowly, smiling ever so slightly then slowly turned around and walked out.

He watched her back, the grace in her step, the small swish of her hair as she moved. Somehow even in the midst of all the awkwardness, the anguish, the realisation that he may never have a normal relationship with her he felt weightless. He felt as if this large heavy cloud that had hung over his head for so long had floated away. But more than anything he feared that it would resurface, that he would open his eyes one day and it will have all disappeared.

Your love's a gathered storm I chased across the sky
A moment in your arms became the reason why
And you're still the only light that fills the emptiness
The only one I need until my dying breath
And I would give you everything just to 
feel your open arms
And I'm not sure I believe anything I feel

And now, now that you're near
There's nothing more without you
Without you here


"Roy I'm not sure you understand," Shyam spoke through gritted teeth, his every syllable uttered with menace. "It is not an option! This is my command! I want out of here! Now, tomorrow... By the end of this week! I want out! Otherwise I will employ other means and things will turn ugly!" He finally threatened, aiming a pointed finger at Roy.

Arnav Singh Raizada didn't even have a clue of what was going to hit him and this time Shyam would make sure that the man would be left with only emptiness and self-loathing in his life.

Roy gulped, sure he could almost taste the impending doom as anger flared in Shyam's dark ebony eyes.


She finally fell into a cool metal chair, even missing the otherwise discomfort to it as she leaned her head back against the wall, slowly closing her eyes. Khushi felt emotionally and physically drained, as if she had returned from running a marathon. She couldn't remember the last time she had been this tired, this spent. Her shoulders felt heavy, burdened with too many truths and transparent lies, chocolate brown eyes and giggles in the night, incomprehensible apologies and the glimpses of a man she may have once known. She didn't know what she wanted anymore; to escape or to stay, there was a sodden beauty in her messed up present and she couldn't prevent that nagging thought of hers from coming through to the forefront, that all may not be lost that there was still hope. But she wasn't sure if she wanted that hope.

He quietly sat near her just as a loud sigh escaped her. As much as he wanted to touch her, to feel her soft skin underneath his fingers, feel her hazel orbs search his eyes with something other than pain and anger, to know her again, know that she loved him again he kept his distance.

She sensed him as soon as he had arrived, her erratic heartbeats always giving him away and she didn't know whether to open her eyes and acknowledge him or to keep them shut and shun him away. She couldn't help but realise that he may just have changed back into the man that she had fallen for all of those years ago; the man that understood, that listened, that cared. Amidst the anger, the hatred, the pain, she had forgotten who he had at first been, she had forgotten that he had been capable of love.

She remembered his pathetic jokes, his crooked smile, his signature smirk, how his eyes would alight in different shades of brown with his varying emotions. She remembered their first kiss, bathed in drizzled rain, his warm lips against her own, the blaze of fingers as they ran through her hair. She remembered soft spoken whispers, lips brushing against her ears, a man who had waited for too many years for a woman that had left him without a word and she didn't know what to make of him anymore.

Her fingers tightened on the edges of the metal chair, it's cold surface soothing in a sense. Her mind whirred in and out of further situations that she could not comprehend.

He could have decided upon so many things that would have changed their fate, Arshia's fate in so many different ways but he hadn't. He could have not saved Arshia, not brought her up alone, not come looking for Khushi, not told her of Arshia but he hadn't and she didn't know whether to be grateful or further angry. It was difficult to distinguish between the ruthless man that she had left and the guilt filled one that now existed, she was drowning in the midst of the battle that existed between her own mind and heart.

He waited for a few minutes, not too sure of how to calm the storm that continued to rage through his mind, sure that his own insecurities will once again soon get the better of him. He scrunched his eyes shut for a fraction of a second then giving up with the idea of attempting a conversation, carefully placed the coffee he had brought on the chair next to her and stood up to leave.

She sensed him get up immediately and her eyes flew open, she didn't want him to leave, it was as if her next actions required no thought, it was impulsive and automatic and maybe somewhere deep inside she was happy about that.

"Arnav," her voice came out quiet but she noticed how he stilled in response.

He felt his breath hitch in his throat, his every muscle tense in reaction as he came to an abrupt halt.

Taking a deep breath in she began, she didn't know what had kicked it off but she felt she had an obligation to continue what she had started. Standing up slowly she waited for a few seconds, expecting him to turn around but he didn't.

"Erm... Will Arshia... Be alright?" Her voice was timid, almost muffled underneath her stifling emotions. There that sounded normal didn't it? She was asking about Arshia, nothing more. She hoped he didn't catch onto the feelings that were resurfacing within her for him.

He turned around and strode over to her, a sudden urgency to his steps as he finally came and stood in front of her, his brows furrowed together in worry. He wanted to place his hand on her shoulder, push her chin up with his other hand, look into her eyes and promise her that everything would be okay, that everything already was but he resisted that urge. Clenching his hands into fists at his sides, he kept his gaze on her searching eyes, "of course Khushi, she's fine, it's just a routine check. Some premature children are like that, they take their time to catch up with normal growth intervals," he reassured her gently.

She nodded back, her eyes fixed on his gaze equally as intently. She looked down then suddenly, her bickering emotions clashing against each other, somehow she felt that she wanted to unload her fears, lessen the burden that seemed to rest upon her. She didn't know what was happening to her but for the first time in years she just wanted to share her pain. "I feel as if I'm disconnected to everything that happens in Arshia's life," she finally mumbled, her voice breaking in places then fell back down onto the chair.

He watched her downcast features for a second, then hurriedly sat down next to her, it was as if suddenly they had engulfed themselves in this bubble where the previous pains were letting go for revelations of their futures. "That's not true Khushi, you've only gotten here, you'll know her in no time. And there's not much to Arshia, she's like you in every way," he finally mumbled, as she turned around to look at him in disbelief. She watched him for a few seconds, his eyes were focused on the distance, the smallest of smiles pulling at his lips and she couldn't help but recognise the sincerity with which he had said that.

"Like me?" The question just flowed out from her as a gentle unknown smile tugged at her own lips.

He looked towards her again, appraising her gentle features, the tiny sparks in her eyes, the softness with which she had enquired.

A corner of his mouth lifted as he smiled, his chocolate brown orbs softening, "yes just like you," he began then, "she likes to talk to herself and giggle randomly," there was a beautiful melancholy in the way he simply compared their daughter to Khushi and she couldn't help but watch his face in wonderment. "She likes the varying phases of weather, each one giving her as much joy as the previous; she likes the cool drizzle of warm summer days, the scorching rays of sunshine that bathes her skin, she likes the taste of jalebis, the company of happiness, to find love in everything she does," he finally looked towards her again, "and she likes to watch the soft sparkle of stars in the dark night sky, the way her Mamma likes to watch her parents shine bright every night," he finally finished off.

She felt lost for words, her emotions in a knot. It hurt to think of how fondly he still thought of her and suddenly a painful past began to feel a bit too surreal.

He dropped his gaze then, her questioning eyes causing him to stop, maybe he had gone too far, maybe he shouldn't overwhelm her with his own tortured thoughts. He gently placed his hand over hers as her eyes travelled with it and stopped on his hand, not sure how to feel of this sudden contact.

"She'll be okay, she has you again, nothing can harm her now," he finally stated, his gaze boring into the depths of hers then leaving a small squeeze of his fingers against hers, stood up and walked away.

And I'm trying to believe
In things that I don't know
The turning of the world
The colour of your soul
That love could kill your pain
Truth is never vain
It turns strangers into lovers
And enemies to brothers
Just say you understand
I never had this planned

And now, now that you're near
There's nothing more without you
Without you here


She heard the doorbell as it went off but she continued to sit there, lost in her own thoughts, a situation that felt both like the most crippling of nightmares and yet the most colourful of dreams. She felt lost in this tangled thread of a world where neither lies nor the truth could fix her, where her own heart battled with itself and she still could not decide which part of it she would let win.

She looked up suddenly as he strode down the stairs, the stamina in his every step. She still loved him, she now knew, as equally and irrevocably as she always had, always because she had never stopped loving him. She felt a weird sort of calm, for once in so many years completely at ease with her every feeling and for once she was not afraid to admit that even a droplet of love from him would be enough to erase her every pain.

My head lies to my heart
And my heart it believes
It seems the ones who love us are the ones
That we deceive
But you're changing everything
You're changing everything in me

And now, now that you're near
There's nothing more without you
Without you here


Her head snapped up suddenly as he bellowed at the man that stood in front of him. Sure their journey after their conversation had passed quietly but was he angry again? And was he throwing his anger at her towards someone else as he always had? She stood up suddenly, trying to wipe away that unnerving sensation at the back of her mind.

Arnav took a threatening step towards the police officer that stood in front of him, his nostrils flaring, his eyes ablaze with fury. How dare he? "On what grounds exactly do you think I would let you take my wife with you?" He exclaimed, demanding an answer with his furious gaze as even the police man crouched away from him.

The full impact of those words along with the khaki uniformed officer came back to her a little later than the words that first began to echo in her mind. He had referred to her as his wife.

"Sir we have an arrest warrant against her," the other policeman calmly stated, thrusting a folded piece of paper into his hand.

Khushi came to a halt next to him, her face pale as her blood turned cold. An arrest warrant for her.

He looked from her to the police officers, quickly unfurling the sheet that he had been handed, his fingers shaking against the flimsy paper as he tried to focus his eyes on the writing.

Arrest warrant in the name of Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada on suspicion of accessory to kidnap.

The paper slipped out of his fingers as he went completely still. She watched the colour drain out of Arnav's face then felt the harsh grasp of a woman's hand as it pulled at her frozen body. 

Gone is the pale hand of winter
Here is the first flush of may
And soon I will discover whether birds of the summer
Fly in circles of just fly away
- Bird of the Summer, A Fine Frenzy


  1. Wow....

    I really, really hope this does not cause an even greater breach between Arnav and Khushi....for god's sake they've only just got together under one roof and Shyam rears his ugly head again!


    1. But then it could also bring them closer and Shyam's plan could just have the undesired affect as always? ;) xx

  2. loved arhi here, the emotions were just brimming out. Ending was a surprise for sure. hope they get thru this hurdle.
    update soonish :)

    1. Thank you! I'm going to attempt another one before the end of this week :P. xx

  3. thats not true... why would khushi kidnap her own daughter?? how can shyam do something like this??

    1. Yep it's not but he wants to have his sentence reduced and drag Khushi down with him in the process. This way he'd be getting his revenge too ;) x

  4. fucking snake the bastard just won't let go of there life he is going to drag her down with him just so asr can't get her poor khushi she can't ever have a happy day emotional update loved how asr was telling her how much their daughter was like her awesome update beautifully done

    1. Yep exactly! And thank you :)... I'm so happy that you guys have liked the whole Khushi-Arshia comparison :D. Thanks! xx

  5. Fabulous update!! Can't wait to see what will happen next. I hope everything is gonna be okay with Khushi.

    1. Thank you! Better days are on their way ;) xx

  6. Oh no no the spineless man!!! Hope this doesn't take them back to square one again. Love the update x

    1. I'm sure Arnav has learned from his mistakes ;). Thank you! xx

  7. So much pain...amid the darkness a flicker of light was even that is dissapperaring..howcmuch more hardship they have to go through before they finally find each other...loved this chapter ..beutifully peened down all the emotion..

    1. Thank you so much! Well their hardships are slowly decreasing... So who knows, the next chapter could prove to be a more positive one in Arshi's lives? ;) xx

  8. the chapter was well worth the delay...loved how he desribed his daughter..and managed to convey at the same time his feelings for her

    1. Aww I love how you say that, but I truly am sorry for the delay... I promise to try not prolong it this much next time. Aah thank you! I'm so happy that you like that part... I really wasn't sure of it at first but aww that makes me so happy! xx

  9. That was intense!!! Somethimes Even too much to bear. But Great Story so far. I am really Liking all of Ur Stories and becoming a Fan of Ur writhing skills. Just a questions: does Ur diffrent Stories conect to each other or stand allone?

    1. Thank you so much! :D I really appreciate it. I am so glad that you like them <3 *hugs*. Thank you!
      Erm well, "Living A Dream" is the pre-quel to this one, so "When Truth Prevails" starts on this blog then swaps over to the other one at chapter 4 then back again to this one at the end of "Living A Dream". Lol I think that's quite confusing actually so erm, if you found the links through the index, then it guides you through the two blogs :). If not let me know.
      The other ones, "Paper Roses", "A Sprinkle of Stardust", "ASR-KKG Files" and "The Strings That Bind Us" all stand alone :). Hopefully that makes sense :P. Thanks again! xx


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I have too many stories in my head and sometimes I just need to put them out there for people to read. Fanfic writing was an idea that I hadn't considered at all until coming across some really good ones on India-Forums so my writing is an affect of too much IF trolling on lazy revision days. I get bored easily from studying (which I do too much of) and writing helps me relax. My life involves a whole load of drama so the twists and turns in my stories will show the effect of that. Anyway hope you enjoy the Arshi fanfics I send your way :).
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Got four fanfic on the go plus the random OS's that I'll be writing. So check em out too!