Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Chapter 16 - Bearings

Chapter song: Demons by Imagine Dragons


~
And it's hard to hate someone once you understand them.
- Lucy Christopher, Stolen: A Letter to My Captor
~


She cupped his face once again, her nimble fingers caressing his hair and for the first time in years she let her heart guide her as she let her tender lips meet his.

He didn't know why it felt so right, so natural, as if the years in between had never happened and this was how they had always been. He was back at that day years ago, when she'd done the same and the chaos in his life had given way to the bubble of happiness that she existed in. His lips moves against hers of heir own accord, his fingers trailing through her hair, his other hand entwined against her waist, holding her closer still.

She was sure she could feel the drizzle of that wet summer day when they had first kissed, when he had broken down his walls for the vey first time. And their tears mingled together as their warms breaths collided against each other as the sky outside darkened and the rain drenched the ground in a deafening downpour against the silhouette of the shimmering moon.

He moved away slowly, his heartbeat still rapid in his chest, his fingers trailing down then moving off of her face gradually as he let their gazes meet once more. Let their every tormented emotion and embedded within them the little twinkles of happiness collide and converse between themselves. She let her fingers trail down his arms and finally meet his hands and she was sure that time had stopped, that it was just the both of them in their perfect melancholy, where their pasts were all but forgotten and their futures weren't already written. 

But he took a step back slowly, it taking him a few seconds to find the function in his own limbs as he let his eyes hover over her gentle face for a while longer and his fingertips brushed hers then fell away. Frightened as he was to break the fragile beauty of it, he had to straighten out the muddled haze of emotions in his mind, suddenly he was numb, shaken and he needed to get his thoughts straight. 

She felt the beautiful flutter of her heart quickly give way to dismay as her thoughts once again began to fog the intentions of her heart as she tried to gulp down her impending fears and keep herself calm. But not before he turned around abruptly and began to walk away and not before she'd caught that minuscule second of shock in his features and although she wasn't sure what to make out of it, she had to clench her fists in order to prevent herself from screaming out loud. Had she gone too far? Had they ruined it all over again? 

****

Khushi fell back down onto her bed, her thoughts lost in the storm that was now brewing in her head. She had to close her eyes and take several breaths in an attempt to calm herself down. This had always been their story, of broken promises and shattered attempts. She'd walked away when he'd extended his hand then he'd broken her all over again when she'd finally extended hers. And now she didn't know what to do.

Things had been going perfectly fine until the police had turned up at their doorstep. It was never easy to stamp away a hatred that you had nurtured within you for so long. She'd hated him for so long in so many different ways that she herself didn't know the endless possibilities that this could all end in. And she could never track his unpredictable behaviour, one second he'd be seeking comfort, breaking down his walls and the next he'd be walking away, leaving her feeling like dirt, used and trodden on. She didn't understand, couldn't think straight, there was so much at stake, there was Arshia and then there was that monster of a man; Shyam.

She was drowning in her own emotions and tormented thoughts, lost in a place where she didn't know her place anymore, where she didn't have a side or a choice. It was like she was walking back and forth, blindly between two dead ends, in a box, trying to find a way out when really there wasn't one.

She gulped back the anger, the disappointment, the anguish, her every feeling trying to make way for her otherwise orderly thoughts, but it was an impossible task. He was driving her crazy.

Her eyes snapped open suddenly and she looked up as someone knocked on her door. It took her a minute for her eyes to actually focus and fall upon him and then the soft bundle that was her baby in his arms. She didn't know what it was but the sight of her seemed to alleviate her off of her every nightmare.

She didn't look at him though, he was playing with her mind and her emotions and she was no longer aware of what to think or to feel.

--

He watched her for a few seconds, the frown lines on her forehead, her large hazel orbs that were slightly glazed over. He knew what he was doing to her, that whilst he was drawing her closer he was also driving her away but he had been used to this for so long that now that she was finally giving him a chance he didn't know what to make of it, didn't know if he deserved it.

He took another step in then hesitated, watching her carefully formed features to see if there would even be a seconds flicker of change, of anger. He needed to tread carefully, he had already messed everything up.

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood's run stale

I wanna hide the truth 
I wanna shelter you 
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide

He sat beside her as she still continued to evade his gaze, placing Arshia down till she was already moving towards Khushi, demanding to be held. He gulped back the despair within him, that yearning that he would also one day earn that right.

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Khushi began to speak then, before he could even begin to try and voice his own words. Her arms were around Arshia and somehow that seemed to give her the strength to speak. "Remember Arnav, when we were able to look each other in the eye and share our deepest of feelings?" She questioned, her voice not as loud as he was used to, almost as if she was speaking to herself. He had to look away from her, she still hadn't looked his way but he'd always been able to read her.

"Before all of our misunderstandings, before life got in the way?" Her voice broke as she spoke those last few words and she looked to him then, meeting his equally glazed over caramel orbs.

He nodded slowly, his hand moving to hers of its own accord.

She gulped back her tears before she spoke again, "I miss that you know?" The innocence in her soft spoken question pulled at his every heartstring. They had lost a lot over the years, between the war of their own hearts, they'd lost everything.

His fingers tightened on her hand, fitting into the spaces between her fingers like they always had. He continued to watch her, not quite sure of what to say. What should he say, that he missed it too? As equally and irrevocably as she did? Or apologise for his mistakes? For his every wrong decision? Or would he give her better promises? Promise to never break those promises? He swallowed hard, he was slowly but surely falling back into that place again where his mind didn't let him speak and he'd then get up and walk away like the coward he was.

They almost didn't hear the knock and Anjali had to tighten her fist and attempt a second time before Arnav finally snapped out of his thoughts and looked up. "Chotey, erm... I hope I'm not disturbing but I have those print outs that you had asked Aman for," she finally managed to tell him.

He stood up then, glad for the distraction, glad that it didn't end in him having to walk off and shatter her expectations again.

Whilst she turned around, one of her hands gently engulfing one of Arshia's small fists as she quickly wiped the tear that ran down her cheek, composing herself all over again.

When the curtain's call 
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you've made

Don't want to let you down 
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't want to hide the truth

Nodding slowly and understanding, it not taking long for her to recognise the burning souls of her brother's eyes she walked away, leaving him still standing at the door, his fingers crumpling away the edges of the paper. It hurt her to see him like that, the foundations of her brother and Khushi's relationship lay on such ruins that even they did not know how to fix it.

Gathering her pallu she began to slowly make her way downstairs, she'd have to do something before it all ended in burned embers once more.

--

He walked back towards her, the papers clutched to his chest then as her gaze met his, sat down.

"I erm..." Arnav swallowed trying to sort out his haywire thoughts, there was something he had to fix first, there was a mess that he had to pull her out of and pull her out he would. "I have a couple of things that I wanted to go through with you," he finally began, adopting the only composure that was no longer foreign to him.

She watched on, listening intently as that business tone of his returned, not sure if she was grateful or not that they hadn't both ended up in tears once again. She didn't want him retreating into his own shell again.

"I figured if you were convinced into thinking that Arshia was..." He struggled with his words, he didn't want to lose himself to the fury that he felt at what the bastard had done, "I mean..." He had to momentarily close his eyes, he would have never wanted to be in her shoes.

She sent her hand over his then, giving it a gentle squeeze till he looked back up and she nodded, she didn't want to put him through the torture of actually saying it.

"Then obviously Shyam would have had to employ someone at the hospital," he finally finished off, searching her eyes as she furrowed her brows together, her hold over his hand tightening.

"Actually, the doctor I first went to meet for a check-up changed after about a month," she began to speak as she recalled the events then. She stood up, still holding Arshia close to her heart then walked over to the window as his gaze followed her.

"I thought it was a bit odd at the beginning I'm sure, but..." She sighed remembering it all, not wishing that part of her life really existed, "with everything that was going on I didn't think too much into it," she finally mumbled.

He stood up then and went to stand beside her, taking in the small hand that Arshia extended his way then watched the gentle smile that spread across his little angels face. He took Arshia from her then, passing over the papers that he had held to her as she frowned down at them.

"I had your reports sent over, is that the name of the first or second doctor?" He asked her as she read and re-read over the document.

She looked up to him suddenly, her eyes large, "no Arnav, this is Dr Mehta, he was the first doctor, the second one had a different name... What was it?" She began to rack her brain for the answer, she knew it somewhere! "Yes Dr Das! Oh my god Arnav!" She stated, her hand over her mouth as she slid back down onto the bed.

****

Anjali hobbled over to the phone, their home phone rarely rang and it was usually always only for business calls anyway when it did.

She picked it up on the fourth ring, already ready to call Arnav over when she recognised the raspy voice on the other end. Prison had probably done that to him, but she still recognised it. She tightened her grip on the receiver, ready to slam it back down when he began to speak.

"Now there Rani Sahiba, don't you want to listen to what I have to say?" He questioned, keeping his voiced veiled with innocence as deceiving as ever. "I only want to meet you, see your beautiful face once, won't you even give me the pleasure of that?" Her eyes widened, he was in jail! He was supposed to be in jail!

"Where are you?!" She demanded then.

He cackled back in return, his manic laugh echoing through her ears, "arrey Rani Sahiba for that you'd have to meet me," he finally stated.

"Fine!" She gave in, "where do I meet you?"

****

"Khushi?" He finally awakened his voice to ask of her what he had been dreading, it wouldn't be easy for her but there wasn't another way around it. She watched him intently, the varying emotions that flickered through his face.

"We need to hand this over to a lawyer, well I already have but you need to tell him everything from the beginning," he told her, trying to make out the expressions on her face.

"Actually Arnav, I know someone that I can completely trust, would it be okay if we hand the case over to him instead?" She said suddenly, taking him completely by surprise.

"Err... Of course... I mean why not? When can erm..." He wavered with his words till she finished his sentence off for him.

"He, you used to know him, I don't know if you still remember him," she continued, "Aryan," she finished off. "I can call him right now, then we can tell him together?" She questioned placing her hand atop his as he stared into her eyes for a moment, taking it all in then slowly nodded.

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes they shine so bright
I want to save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

She knew that nod, that was his I'm not happy but I'll agree anyway nod and just like so many things about Arnav, it was yet another aspect of him that she could just read, it would only take one glance to know. And maybe more than anything else that's what she hated, that despite knowing each other so well they had still brought all of this upon each other.

It was like one of those tv soaps that never continued its episodes. She hated the fact that he'd do something, take her completely by surprise then walk away and pretend that it never happened, when really they are both aware that it did. And that was the impossibility of it all, that she wanted him to catch her heart and keep it when he never seemed to understand in the first place what she expected of him.

She watched as he took Arshia's hand then smiled back at her, these were the moments that she could not escape, that she would never be able to walk away from. She watched as Arshia hit his face with her chubby little hands and he gently held them as he laughed, small laugh lines creasing around his eyes. There were only two forms of Arnav that she would never be able to muster enough strength within her to hate, the Arnav that she had first met and fallen head over heels for; the one that had opened his heart, broken down his walls and built them up again around her, never really letting her leave. And the other was undoubtedly the man that sat in front of her now, Arnav the father, she would never be able to hate a man that loved so tenderly and maybe she would always be misfortunate enough to never be on the other end of it.

They were both watching each other but not completely aware, both lost in their own thoughts. He'd misjudged her once, but he'd always known her, her pure soul and that's what hurt him the most. The fact that he had let such a vile creature like Shyam poison his mind. He could've thought through things, weighed the Khushi he knew over the Khushi he'd been led to hate but it was too late now, he'd done his bit. And now he didn't know how to fix it, how to embrace her and never let her go, how to keep his insecurities from driving him further away. They were so broken and shattered that it seemed even if repairable their cracks would still show. And maybe that's why he didn't have to courage to stay, maybe he wasn't ready to accept that they would never be perfect again and maybe that's why he'd always take the easy route and walk away. And maybe just maybe, above everything he was scared that he'd hurt her all over again.

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

****

Anjali stopped Khushi before she swiftly cut out of her way again.

"Khushi ji!" She shouted, waving her over.

"Yes di?"

"Woh actually na Khushi ji, your room is being renovated, along with Arshia's," Anjali began as Khushi frowned, not understanding where this was going.

Anjali gave her that beaming smile of hers as she continued, "I mean I know it's inconvenient but we didn't know you were coming and it would take months before I could get it fixed again," she continued to ramble on.

"That's okay di, I'll move into a different room," Khushi cut off, reassuring her.

Anjali bit her lip, "that's the thing Khushiji, all of the rooms are being renovated except for Chotey's and Nani's. I'm moving into Nani's so..." She trailed off the end of the sentence as Khushi continued to stare back at her with her eyes wide.

"Erm would it be okay, I mean if it's not then I can get something else sorted, I mean I can postpone of course," she continued as if she was talking to herself until Khushi placed her hands on Anjali's shoulders.

She smiled at Anjali's confused face, it wasn't as easy as she'd imagined to hate Anjali. She nodded slowly, "I'll move into Arnav's room."


How did we come to this? I never though you'd be someone I have to miss. 
- Julia Sheer, You Will Never Be
~

Lyrics Credit: Demons by Imagine Dragons


2 comments:

  1. finally the update after a long wait... but it was worth it... beautiful n touching...

    ReplyDelete
  2. loved the update both afraid to make each other unhappy and yet both afraid to move a step both wanting but afraid to hope very emotional update beautifully written

    ReplyDelete

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BeyondTheStars
I have too many stories in my head and sometimes I just need to put them out there for people to read. Fanfic writing was an idea that I hadn't considered at all until coming across some really good ones on India-Forums so my writing is an affect of too much IF trolling on lazy revision days. I get bored easily from studying (which I do too much of) and writing helps me relax. My life involves a whole load of drama so the twists and turns in my stories will show the effect of that. Anyway hope you enjoy the Arshi fanfics I send your way :).
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