Chapter 11 - In This Horizon of Hope

~

I may have failed but I have loved you from the start.

-Fall For You,

Secondhand Serenade

~

“I don’t think I’m going to take her anymore,” she mumbled quietly.

His eyes widened, his arms tightening around Arshia unconsciously as she too watched the silent words that refused to flow between her parents. He didn’t understand, what did she mean? Or did he not want to understand? He didn’t want to put his hopes up then watch them crash land once more.

But she was Arshia’s mother, his mind whirred back to what he had witnessed the night before, how easily Arshia had bonded with Khushi despite her missing presence for fifteen months. What was he supposed to say to this?

“I don’t understand,” he finally managed to mumble, their gazes clashing then hers dropping just as suddenly.

Khushi attempted to hide the tears that once again threatened to spill, the edge in his voice, his emotions that she could no longer understand and instead she stood up quickly then walked out of the room.

He sat rooted to the spot for a few seconds, attempting to arrange his thoughts, what was happening? Quickly placing Arshia in the middle of the bed, a dozen pillows around her he too walked after Khushi, his stride longer than hers.

She stood at the balcony at the far end of the corridor, her shoulders hunched and trembling, he didn’t know what to do anymore but his decision was equally as made. He wanted Khushi in Arshia’s life, he wanted his daughter to have a mother even if it meant that he would have to leave, even if it meant that he would no longer be a part of Arshia’s life. And he had to tell her before it was too late.

She heard his footsteps behind him, each one crippling her mind further, she wasn’t sure of how to react any longer. She wanted Arshia, no she needed her, and she deserved her after all of these years, after months of not seeing her, after a year and a half of believing that her baby was dead. But she couldn’t stop her heart from reacting the way it did, she couldn’t tear away the beautiful bond that Arshia and Arnav shared. She couldn’t take away from the love and adoration she witnessed in his eyes every time he looked at her, spoke of her, his final words ringing in her ears.

I don’t know what I’ll do when you take her

Her fingers tightened on the banister, as if she could will him away by holding onto it. Drops of her tears falling onto the grained wood then seeping into the depths of it.

“Khushi.”

She felt her whole body stiffen, she closed her eyes, trying to imagine that she was not here, stuck in this tangle of emotions, in the midst of his actions that she couldn’t comprehend.

His hand automatically went out to her shoulder then stopped only inches away, hovering in mid air until he drew it back again, folding his fingers into a fist, his helplessness clear in his fallen features.

“Khushi,” he tried again. He had the sudden impulse to grip her by the shoulders and yank her around to face him, push her against the banister and demand she take Arshia but he didn’t. He stopped himself, clenching his fists at his side because those actions had been what had started all of this in the first place.

“Look Khushi I want you to…” He struggled with his words, words that did not come to him easily; it was his child too after all. He couldn’t express to her how much he wanted to just keep Arshia yet knew he did not deserve that.

Her breaths came out rapidly, awaiting the end of his sentence, a storm raging through her mind.

“Khushi I want you to have Arshia,” he finally managed, his words flowing out in a flurry.

She felt her whole body freeze, her mind go numb for a second, she couldn’t hold it in any longer, every emotion, every contradicting thought that she had been pondering over for all of these hours coming through to the forefront.

She spun around rapidly as his eyes widened to the suddenness of it.

“What the hell is wrong with you Arnav? Why are you doing this?” She shouted, taking a step towards him, her eyes furious as he backed away.

“What… But I don’t understand,” he managed to answer, his voice not as audible, not the reaction she had expected but she continued anyway, needing to get everything off of her chest. She was tired of assumptions, of second-guessing, of his feelings that were always guarded by a thick wall.

“What don’t you understand?” She screamed furiously. “First you take her away from me…”

“I didn’t take her away from you!” He exclaimed, cutting her off, taking a step forwards towards her.

“Yes you did Arnav! What the hell do you call this then?” She couldn’t believe her ears, what was wrong with him? And here she was giving away chances.

“Khushi I didn’t take her from you! You left! You thought she was dead and you left!” He screamed, unable to take her accusations, he deserved her coldness, her anger, but not this, not something that he hadn’t done in the first place.

“Excuse me?” Khushi was sure she would explode with the anger coursing through her. “How dare you tell me that I left my child?! You took my child from me! You made me believe that she was dead! You told the doctor to tell me that Arshia was dead!”

He stood numb with shock, his eyes wide, not sure that he could believe she considered him capable of such a thing.

“You made sure that I didn’t see my daughter for all of these years! That I lived a life half dead so that you could have your own fucking way yet again!” She continued, taking further steps towards him, her accusations slashing through him one by one.

He could feel his heart pound away against his chest, his fingers digging in to his palms further with each word but wasn’t sure he could find the words to respond.

Tears began to stream out of her eyes but she continued, “it’s always been about you hasn’t it? Your happiness? What you want? So why this change? Why this drama Arnav? What’s the point? What’s the bloody point in bringing me in front of Arshia, giving me the choice to take her? Why are you playing this game with me Arnav?” She exclaimed pulling at his shirt, her hands fisting around the material.

His hands went round her fists suddenly, his grip tight and unrelenting, his gaze meeting hers and penetrating. He yanked her closer, her petite body knocking off of him.

“Stop,” his voice was hoarse at first, as if he had just awoken his throat.

“Just stop!” He yelled the second time, causing her to tremble in his hold.

“Chotey!” Anjali yelled just then, rapidly clambering up the stairs and stopping a few feet away from the two.

He blinked several times, his hold slowly loosening on her then pushing her out of his grip stormed off, his fists clenched at his sides.

She began to frantically rub at her wrists, her tears blurring her view.

“Khushiji are you okay?” Anjali questioned, limping up to her but Khushi couldn’t prevent the tears that gathered and streamed down her cheeks.

“I’m fine,” she quickly mumbled then walked off.

****

His fist slammed into the wall, the skin on his knuckles tearing and bleeding from the impact.

You made me believe that she was dead!

You told the doctor to tell me that Arshia was dead!

Her words continued to replay on his mind. How could she think he would do such a thing?

He grabbed a vase that lay on the coffee table, let his fingers tighten around the ceramic then flung that too to the ground, letting the crash of it echo through his ears.

“Chotey! Chotey! What is wrong with you?!” Anjali screamed, grabbing him by the shoulder and turning him around to look at her.

She sent her arms around him, embracing him as tears began to fall from his own eyes.

“Di I can’t do this anymore. She thinks…” His voice was broken, heavy with tears, with the pain that he always carried locked within himself.

She caressed his back, soothing him like a child, “chotey, you have to talk to her, tell her what really happened. Your silence is what started this and you don’t want it ruining things all over again,” she finally spoke her mind, hoping that this time he would understand. She would always stand by her brother, she knew that he had been wrong but god knows he had tried to fix things and she knew how difficult that was. It was always easier said that done, she knew of his sleepless nights, his constant torment and she wished that fate would work to his favor for once.

He moved back quickly, their gazes meeting then falling rapidly, he refused to be weak, to show that he was weak.

“Just talk to her, control your temper for once and just talk to her,” she told him again, always the one to understand her brother, his every action, the pain that he showed to no one.

He nodded slowly then walked out.

****

“Mr Roy, you are aware that these sort of cases are not pardoned and that Mr Shyam Manohar Jha must serve the full period of time he has been given,” the heavy set man sitting in front of Roy was polite but to the point. His voice had that sharp edge to it that whenever he spoke it rang of authority and finality.

Roy gulped, he still wasn’t sure of whether he should have taken this up or not but it was pointless attempting to back out now because with Shyam you just didn’t do that.

“Yes Sir, the thing is my client has new evidence against the prosecution sir,” he stated trying to bring confidence into his voice.

The man in front of him nodded slowly, “I understand that but your client was charged with kidnapping, he was caught red handed,” the judge finally stated, closing over the file in front of him.

“Sir but what if… What if there was an accomplice?” Roy finally uttered the words, each one shaking with his efforts to control the speed of his heart.

The judge stopped mid-action, his fingers stilling on the edge of the file, then peered up at Roy above the specs that were comfortably settled on his nose, “well then I guess that changes things.”

****

He walked into her room first, his feet rapid against the floor. His eyes flickered over to every corner of the room, she was missing, then fell to his little angel sleeping in the midst of the pillows that he had carefully lain around her and felt his heart go a little. He gulped back the fear and pain that engulfed him then, his eyes finally falling onto the half packed bag then quickly strode out.

I find myself at your door, 

Just like all those times before,

I'm note sure how I got there,

All roads they lead me here. 

He arrived at Arshia’s room, his fingers clinging onto the edge of the door then stood there for a few more seconds, his gaze immediately falling upon her, her fingers against a frame and that’s when his eyes fell to the little bag next to her feet. He thought his heart might leap out of his chest, his face quickly loosing its colour and turning pale. She was going to take Arshia with her.

“Khushi, I need to talk to you,” his voice was loud, every word clear, it was the dread that kept him going now, that crippling fear of losing everything all over again.

Her body straightened suddenly, her heart stuttered than galloped on with it’s rapid beats. How dare he come back? How dare he think that he could explain when he pleased, leave when he pleased? Balling her hands into fists she spun around only to stand mere inches away from his penetrating gaze. But this time she did not let herself waver.

“I don’t think I want to hear anything,” she stated calmly, looking straight into his eyes then crouched down to pick up the bag.

I'm right before your eyes,

I'm breaking.

No thoughts, no reasons why,

Just you and me...

This is the last time I'm asking you this

Put my name at the top of your list,

This is the last time I'm asking you why,

You break my heart in the blink of an eye...

He caught a hold of her wrist rapidly, pulling her back up to look into his eyes.

She struggled against his grip, twisting her arm. He pulled at her, bringing her closer to him as she glared at him accusingly, unable to understand what he was going to do now.

“You’re taking her, I can’t let you take her,” it was a statement, he was adamant on fixing this.

She tried to break away from his grip, squirming in his arms, “Arnav she’s my child!” She exclaimed through gritted teeth. “Weren’t you the one that wanted me to take her anyway? What the hell has happened now? What changed?”

You find yourself at my door,

Just like all those times before,

You wear your best apology,

But I was there to watch you leave.

And all the time I let you in,

Just for you to go again,

Disappear when you come back,

Everything is better. 

His hands tightened further, his eyes furious, the rage flowing through him all too evident. “Because you don’t know the truth!” He exclaimed, his nostrils flaring, the tendons of his jaw defined.

She tried to comprehend that, her eyes large.

“Because she’s my child too! Because for fifteen months I brought her up alone!” He screamed, she tried to cut him off but he continued anyway, his hands further tightening around her wrists. “You can’t just come here and accuse me of things that I haven’t done! I’m trying! I want to fix things! I want to pay for the mistakes that I’ve committed but not what I haven’t! How dare you think I would do such a thing?”

He pushed her away then, letting her stumble then find her bearing. He pulled out a roll of paper from his back pocket, grasping her hand and stuffing them into her palm.

“These are the police reports, read them! Properly!” He commanded as she looked down at them, completely taken aback.

He took a step back then, creating distance once more, he’d already said too much that he hadn’t meant to, his temper getting the better of him like always.

“After you read them I’ll be okay with any decision you take,” he mumbled, this time his words almost inaudible, his eyes downcast. “If you still want to take Arshia with you then I’ll respect that and let you,” with one last look at her, pools of drowning caramel he quickly turned around then walked out. 

I'm right before your eyes,

I'm aching. 

Run fast, nowhere to hide,

Just you and me...

This is the last time I'm asking you this

Put my name at the top of your list....

~

Here we are at the start,

I can feel the beating of our hearts. 

- A Call To Arms, 30 Seconds to Mars

~

Lyrics credit: The Last Time by Taylor Swift

Chapter 10 - Collecting Your Tears

I think chapter 10 calls for a bit into the past… don’t you? :P

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It is not our silence that is deafening but all the words underneath it, yelled in our heads. 

- David Levithan

~

She closed her eyes for a moment, took a deep breath in, letting the tirade of emotions that continued to assault her run yet another loop around her mind. She was finding it difficult to digest all of these, one action contradicting the other, her memories not letting her accept the possibility of change, not allowing her to give him another chance no matter how much her heart wanted to. 

She re-traced her steps back, stopping at the door to what had been their room once long before, where she had felt like a prisoner in her own fragile cage of a heart. She remembered the constant dark abyss, his words that had only stung, rapidly giving way to their last night when everything had taken a 180 degree turn. She remembered his broken voice, his apologies, his words,

"I'm so sorry Khushi,"

"please bring me out of this misery Khushi, please stop this pain,"

"please make me stop loving you Khushi."

She closed her eyes, letting the tears that had gathered trail their way down her cheeks, grabbing the material of her pants as she stepped back away from the threshold. She knew it was wrong, this is what she had run away from for all of those years ago, this is what she had feared and now it was all coming true. Her painful memories, her life that had never gone right was back to haunt her and like every other time she didn't know what to do to fix it. 

She began to walk away, back towards where she was sleeping when she reached Arshia's room, the room with a large portrait of herself. She'd put her baby to sleep but not bothered to explore the room further. This time she stepped in and turned the blue light at the corner on, taking care not to wake up her sleeping angel, she looked so serene so at peace in her sleep; a stark contrast to her parents. She thought about that word, it seemed to be the first time it had occurred to her, “parents,” she mouthed it then, whispering it into thin air.

“Parents,” gulping at how it felt in her mouth, how it felt saying it out loud. Arshia didn’t just have a father or a mother but both and he was giving her back to her for reasons she could not comprehend and she would take Arshia from him. She would leave Arshia devoid of parents and give her only a mother. She stepped away from the cot, that though causing her to stumble, she wasn’t sure how she felt about that, of how it would affect Arshia. She found herself moving away from the cot, towards the far wall till her back banged into the wall, against something jutting into her back. She turned around, almost as if she was taken aback by the sudden assault, only to find herself in front of a dozen photo frames. She quickly wiped away the tears that blurred her vision, letting her fingers trail through the ridges of one of them. She continued to wipe away at them, as the tears now flooded out in streams, her emotions so inexplicable that she wasn’t sure of what to do anymore.

It was a large picture, a silver rectangular frame with small slit ridges, in the middle the only two people that seemed to hold any importance in her life. Arshia was barely the length of Arnav’s forearm, she looked so comfortable, snuggled in the midst of a large white blanket, her face almost hidden from view. Arnav stood holding her, facing downwards, watching Arshia as the picture was clicked. She let her hand trail over his tall profile, how he seemed to hold her little angel, his sole focus being Arshia. She didn’t let her eyes linger too long there, the fear of her heart breaking any second more pronounced. Instead she took a step over, letting her eyes fall on another picture; in this one Arnav was yet again holding Arshia, she looked equally as small, yet again wrapped in a bundle of blankets, this time her tiny small face visible. Khushi let her eyes hover over it fondly, cherishing every missed minuscule of a second of her babies life that she had missed. She looked back to Arnav, there was a small smile on his lips, one that did not quite reach his eyes, dark caramel orbs, not the ones she had fallen head over heels for. His face however was not as haggard; he looked better, closer to what she remembered him looking like when she’d left. She closed her eyes, unable to take anymore.

Gathering herself together quickly, she walked over to the cot, her hands hovering in the air for a few second then bending down scooped Arshia into her arms, revelling in how snugly her daughter fit into her arms. She waited till she wriggled around; adjusting then fell back into her deep slumber.

****

It was a great while later that Arnav finally mustered up the energy to stand up, he wasn’t sure of what to do with his life anymore. These past few days seemed to have passed in a blur, at first his sheer determination, then his crumbling faith and now his torturously breaking heart. He couldn’t image a life devoid of Arshia, of her soft gurgles in the morning, her tiny hands feeling the features of his face, her long slumbers, her large inquisitive eyes, her angry cries, the feel of warm tears dripping down her face. He felt a little piece of him break off with every step he took up the stairs. He was lost, in thoughts of Arshia, of Khushi, of the life he had destroyed with his own hands. He was angry, disappointed, but more than anything he was a broken man. He knew he wouldn’t be able to live without Arshia, he wouldn’t come back to a house where the word “papa,” would continue to resound off of every wall.

His mind went into a state of panic as soon as he stepped into Arshia’s room, he quickly ran over and held onto side of her cot, his eyes searching for her as if she was a small displaced object. He began to move around the room, unable to escape the terror that was rapidly spreading through him. Had Khushi taken her? Had Khushi not even felt him worthy of seeing his daughter one last time? No she wouldn’t do that would she? She wouldn’t be that heartless! He quickly ran out of the room, taking long strides towards the rom Khushi had chosen to sleep in, stopping short at the sight that beheld him.

He leaned against the wall taking in a deep breathe as relief finally washed through him. He watched them for a second, Khushi’s arm around Arshia cradling her into her chest and he felt like an outsider for the second time that day. For the second time that day he saw Khushi shielding their child off into their own little world, where he wouldn’t be welcome, where he would not be a part of Arshia’s life and he hated how it still looked right.

A memory:

“No you don’t understand! That is my baby! What do you mean I have no proof of that? I’m telling you that is my child! And anyway even if it wasn’t it is a three day old baby! I want her found right now!” Arnav bellowed into the phone, he could literally feel the adrenaline pumping through his veins as he paced around his room.

“This is all my fault Chotey,” he heard his sister cry, cradling her swollen stomach in her arms, “I’m so sorry Chotey I should have told you earlier, I should have kept that man away,” she continued to blame herself.

He strode up to her then, rapidly running out of patience, “yes it was Di! It was your fault, it was my fault! It was OUR fault! And I will not let my child pay for it!” He exclaimed then stormed out of the room.

If only Khushi would let him explain.

****

“Papa?”

Khushi woke up with a start, quickly responding to the gentle murmur against her chest. She looked into large searching eyes, watched them blink twice then warm tears burst out of them. Khushi sat up with a start, her baby’s loud cries sending her into panic mode.

“What… What’s wrong baby? Arshia what’s wrong?” She questioned gently taking her into her arms as Arshia struggled against her.

“PAPA!” Arshia wailed through her tears, kicking her legs in all sorts of different directions as Khushi held onto her quite clearly lost on what to do.

Arnav burst through the door just then, his eyes frantic as he reached the bed in a few quick strides then stopped short. He was completely lost on what to say, it was one of his instincts, he was attuned to Arshia’s every reaction and she was all too used to seeing his face first thing in the morning, even if it was just a picture that Anjali sometimes waved in front of the little thing.

Khushi watched him, her eyes wide, now slightly oblivious to the child kicking about in her arms, his concern for Arshia always putting her into a state of shock.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets then took a few steps back, creating space between him and the bed.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, his eyes downcast, “I just heard Arshia crying and it was just an instant reaction,” he admitted then slowly began to turn around.

Khushi gulped, her reaction to his words this time almost automatic, “it’s okay, I think she wanted you anyway,” she offered, extending Arshia in her arms towards him.

He scrunched his brows together, taken aback by this sudden gesture but on seeing Arshia’s face a dark shade of pink with tears, took her into his arms without a word.

“There there baby girl, you’re alright, I’m here, I’m here,” he cooed, swaying her in his arms as she slowly quietened down, gulping in large intakes of air, her little chest heaving from all of that effort.

He smiled down at her, letting her take his hand and hold onto it, as if she was afraid that he would leave again.

“You’re okay, Papa’s here, you’re okay baby girl,” he continued to coo, all of which Khushi watched from a distance.

He took a seat on the side of the bed, seemingly lost in the world of him and their baby, clearly oblivious to all-else now.

“You love her,” she wasn’t sure if it was a statement, question or just a sentence out of her unconscious mind.

He looked up towards her, their tired gazes meeting in a sort of haze but he flitted his gaze away quickly, looking back towards Arshia and smiled causing her to clap her hands and giggle.

A small smile spread across Khushi’s face at that, her heart melting away in her chest.

“Yes I do,” he mumbled admittedly, refusing to meet Khushi’s eyes, “I love her more than anything in this world.”

“More than di?” She didn’t know why she asked that, over so many years of pondering the downfall of whatever they had had maybe she had finally decided that his immense love for his di had somewhere blinded him to everything else. Not that she blamed him or her.

He looked back up at her again, not at all surprised by her question this time, the look of guilt all but too clear in his face, his caramel orbs drowning once more. “More than everything,” he finally murmured, his voice and gaze both lowered.

She continued to watch him, lost for words, she regretted asking him that, regretted putting herself in this sort of situation again and watching him hold her baby in his arms, the love and adoration that seemed to trickle out of his very eyes at her she felt something change inside of her.

Her baby’s tiny little giggles began to pull at her heart in all sorts of directions.

“I don’t know what I’ll do when you take her,” he admitted quietly, his eyes distant, his voice nearly breaking at the last syllable.

She couldn’t keep it in any longer, couldn’t placate her torn mind. She didn’t know what it was, his words, his tears or just the sheer helplessness with which he had uttered those words but it finalised her decision. She still didn’t understand why he was doing this, still wasn’t ready to give him a chance but right now she had to fight the urge she felt to just take him into her arms and embrace him, let him know that she would be there for him. But she didn’t because it wasn’t the truth, because yet again she was giving into her wretched heart and emotions.

Edging closer as he looked towards her she took her hold of one of Arshia’s hands, wrapping her palm around the little hand. She looked upto him then, their gazes meeting once more.

“I don’t think I’m going to take her anymore,” she mumbled quietly.

~

She wasn’t bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time.

-       Stephen Chbosky , The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Chapter 9 - Our Broken Keys

~

I've got a bad case of three am guilts you know when you lie in bed awake and replay all those things you didn't do right? Because, as we all know nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression and self loathing. 

- D. D. Barant

~

"Arnav, I'm taking Arshia with me,"

He felt himself automatically take a step back, his eyes now on his little angel cradled in between her mothers arms, lost in the warmth that he could possibly never give her. He wanted to argue, to fight, to demand that Arshia be left with him. Tell her that he had looked after her for fifteen months, that he had been the one that had been there for the child whilst Khushi had hidden herself in a remote corner of the world. But he didn't because he knew it was wrong, because he knew he had been the one to drive her there. Everything that was happening, everything that she was going through all of it was his fault. Tears brimmed in his eyes as he continued to watch his little baby, feeling like his very heart was crackling, tearing under the pressure. He gulped back the tears that were on the edge of falling, not even having the strength to look up into her eyes. Closing his eyes for a second he gathered his thoughts, losing himself in the pain that seemed to take over him completely and for once decided to do the right thing. His molten caramel eyes met her confused hazel orbs, their clear decisions clashing. Looking to Arshia for what felt like the last time he slowly nodded. 

Her eyes widened in return, not quite able to recognise this weak man that stood in front of her, his head bowed, his shoulders hunched, his eyes hardly meeting hers. She saw him turn away, not bothering to look at her again and for the first time she felt unsure of her decision. If he had deliberately hidden Arshia from her why was he giving in this easily?

"I'll... I'll tell Di to pack her stuff and then get someone to deliver the rest of it," he mumbled, his voice cracking at points as he fought to keep his emotions at bay.

She didn't understand any of this, this wasn't the Arnav Singh Raizada she knew. The one that demanded, threatened, had his way; this was a different man and after so many years she felt utterly confused.

****

"So baby where's your room?" Khushi smiled at her daughter, her little bundle of joy, letting Arshia wrap her small hand around her fingers as she grinned back then turning away began to lead her up the stairs, her feet taking each step at a time. Khushi felt that her heart would almost burst with pride at the sight in front of her, her hatred growing in an instant at Arnav for keeping this truth from her.

Her feet stalled almost of their own accord infront of the room that was so familiar yet not in so many ways. Her memories coming back to her in flashbacks, her lonely nights, waking up to tear soaked pillows. She couldn't stop the tears that once again filled her eyes and that's when she saw him. His body was perfectly erect, his hands stuffed into his pockets as he looked out at the stars that twinkled above. She didn't know what to make of her life anymore.

The gentle tug of Arshia's hand pulled her out of her drowning sorrow and she began to move down with her, her feet slower on the ground than they had been before. It felt strange and yet pieces of her life seemed to just fall together as soon as she was back here. This had been the very place that had robbed her of her countless dreams and yet she had never imagined that it would be the same place that would give her something so special and precious back. Her thoughts were still in a muddle, it felt as if she was walking through hazy clouds, nothing quite hitting her properly but she knew that the times ahead stood better for her. In Arshia she saw that will to live again, the flicker of hope growing by the second and that's all she had ever wanted. She tried to suppress that weak part of her heart that still held feelings for Arnav, still attempted to see the good in him because she knew she was only fooling herself.

As Arshia stepped into her room, her tiny feet padding against the thick carpet Khushi came to a complete standstill, her breath hitching in her throat, her mind completely frazzled, her jaw dropping open. Arshia tried to pull her with her but Khushi couldn't seem to find the strength in her limbs to move, her eyes fixated on the large portrait that was hung in front of her. She could almost hear the bolts of her brain clicking into place, she hadn't probed into it then but it had surprised her. She'd wanted to know how Arshia had recognised her despite not having ever seeing her and this answered all of her questions for in front of her was a large portrait of herself.

Arshia having given up slowly waddled away to her play area, grabbing a soft toy on the way, quickly losing herself in her own world as Khushi stood there, seemingly frozen to the spot. She felt the world spin around her, everything coming into focus then out again. Nothing made sense! Nothing! He'd forced her to marry him, told her to leave, took her daughter away from her, made her believe her child was dead but taught her child who she was at the same time? Why was he doing this? What was he gaining out of it? She felt dizzy, bile rising in her throat, his words, her memories ringing through her ears and she wanted to run away again. Just hide herself where no one would be able to find her.

****

His every sense felt crippled, his heart constricting and more than anything he felt that fear closing in on him again. The fear of losing. He stood up suddenly, feeling as if the air had been knocked out of his lungs. He didn't know what he would do if he lost Arshia, up until now everything he had held close, he had lost and he could see history repeating itself.

He wasn't even aware of how fast he had walked out of his room and ended up in front of Arshia's, his eyes instantly falling upon the lone figure int he middle, her fingers at her temples, her petite body unsteady and it was that familiar sensation that hit him this time. His foot went forward of its own accord, his arms outstretched as she fell straight into his arms then collided into his chest. Their gazes clashing for a second, molten caramel against dazzled hazel. Her fingers tightened on his shirt, her eyes squeezing shut. He felt fear in the pits of his stomach, his heart thudding away in his chest, the sensation of holding her in his own grasp tormenting him.

"Khushi? Khushi?" He questioned as she struggled and fell further against him, his arms tightened around her, preventing her fall. "Khushi? Khushi?" He shook her this time, not sure of what else to do, the fear that he felt at that very moment all too clear.

She gulped, her throat dry, that familiar feeling of nausea rising up her throat. Her hands struggled against his arms at first, not needing his help then gave in, she didn't have the strength in her to get back up. Her fingers dug into him as she fought to keep straight. "I just... I need water and maybe something to eat, I just don't feel too good," she mumbled, her voice weak and almost inaudible.

He nodded back, bringing her up and resting her against him, then sending his arm around her, hoisted her up into his arms.

"Chotey? Chotey?!" Anjali came running in, the panic clear in her voice then rushed over to Khushi immediately, her hand falling on to Khushi's forehead.

"Chotey what happened? Is Khushiji alright?" She questioned.

He nodded slowly, then began to walk out of the room just as Arshia came running towards Arnav, her small arms going around his leg.

"Papa... Mamma?" She questioned, her large eyes darting from her mother to her father. Arnav attempted to smile back, feeling completely and utterly drained.

"Baby don't worry Mamma just hasn't had food all day so she's tired okay huni," he looked to Anjali, she nodded immediately, not needing words to understand her brother.

"Arshu baby come Masi will take care of you okay," she cooed lifting her into her arms and smiled reassuringly at Arnav.


He felt weak himself, emotionally drained, not sure of what to do or say anymore. He wanted Khushi back, no needed her back, he couldn't afford to let Arshia go. He wanted a family. But was that what he deserved? Maybe not.

He felt the memories flood through him all over again as he placed her on his bed, their bed. Her eyes were tight shut, her forehead scrunched up. His hand went out to her, desperately wanting to smoothen those wrinkles on her soft skin but stopped himself. He had given up that right all those years ago. Gathering himself quickly, the tattered pieces of his unfixable mind he strode out of the room in search of Hari Prakash then deciding against it went to look for food himself.

****

"Shyam you do understand that your offence was a large one and that Mr Arnav Singh Raizada has the money and the power to actually put me out of a job if I go ahead with this?"

"Oh shut up Roy! You and I both know the ways of the trade. Plus you are currently out of money and if you get me out I'll give you that money," Shyam stated matter-of-factly, straightening up and leaning over on the desk, that snarl firmly present on his face.

"On what grounds Shyam? What am I appealing for here?" Roy questioned not in the least able to catch onto any part of Shyam's plan.

"Well I know that Arnav Singh Raizada's dear wife has gone missing of late and he nor anyone else is aware of her whereabouts," Shyam stated quite clearly satisfied on gaining this piece of information.

"And what does that have to do with this?" Roy questioned, his brows furrowed, not understanding any of what was being said.

Shyam exhaled loudly, his fists falling on the table, his face contorting into those manic features again. "For the love of god!" He exclaimed. "We claim that she was involved. That this had been her plan all along to get back at Arnav for his six month contract marriage to her,"

Roy nodded, attempting to finally understand, his fingers flicking at the copy of the contract that Shyam had managed to obtain.

"We then claim that on finding that her plan had backfired she'd fled the country," Shyam stated, his lips curling up with satisfaction as he slowly leaned back on the chair, appraising his colleagues confused expression.

"And what of the child?" Roya asked suddenly, still not quite gathering what Shyam's intentions were.

A snarl creeped up his face, his eyes alight in an almost manic fashion, he leaned forward on the desk, his palms pressed together, "and that's where the judge believes me my friend because the evidence is quite simply against her."

****

She fluttered her eye lashes a couple of times before opening her eyes completely, her hands automatically clenching the sheets as the nauseous pain hit her once more, her face scrunching up as she tried to ignore it. Her head felt heavy and she could feel her stomach knotting and clenching. She felt disorientated for a few seconds, her surroundings coming to her slowly, a large glass wardrobe, a green recliner, a large wind-chime. She sat up immediately, her eyes wide, gasping for breath. Was this a nightmare?

He was at her side immediately, his arm going around her shoulders, nothing but concern etched in those chocolate brown eyes of his. "Khushi are you alright? Will I get you more pain killers? Will I get you the food?" He bombarded her with questions, all of his insecurities, his coherent thoughts lost somewhere in the midst of his overwhelming concern for her well-being.

She stared at him for a moment, his worried face, his brows knotted together, how his words came out in a flurry but her frozen thoughts quickly gave way to her scarring memories. She began to struggle against him, shrugging his arm away.

He looked to her accusingly for a second, frustrated with her defiance but then his eyes widened as his understanding resurfaced. He broke away from her immediately, standing up and looking away, down, anywhere. He stuffed his hands into his pockets, taking several steps away. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, "I..." He shook his head, she didn't need anymore of his words. "I'm sorry... I'll send HP in with the food, you should eat something... It's... It's pretty late so if you think it right, stay here the night, you can sleep here," he mumbled then began to walk away, fighting against a second glance back.

Her eyes automatically flickered out of the large french doors into the darkness and the first thing she noticed was the barren walls, gone were the potted plants, the large blooming flowers, now replaced by empty corners, void of anything. Dismissing her thoughts quickly she tried to process what he had said. She had Arshia to take with her, she had to go home and reconcile, that couldn't be done now. He was right. Nodding to herself she looked to him, "I'll stay but I'll take the guest room," she stated, the words knocking off of his already battered heart.

He swallowed hard, not too sure if he even had the energy to speak anymore, "I don't sleep here anymore, so you're more than welcome to sleep in here but if you still don't want to then you can sleep in a guest room too," he finally replied, his voice low and tired then walked out, leaving a completely surprised Khushi behind.


****

She twisted and turned on the bed, too many images flashing through her mind. In one remote corner of her mind she was happy, inexplicably happy. That last image of Arshia still played over on her mind, her little baby sleeping in the snuggled up comforts of her cot. It warmed her, creating this bubble of joy that seemed to just seep through her, into her every pore. But then on the other hand she felt confused, at a loss for what to do next. She wanted to take Arshia with her but she couldn't will the  strength into her to take her away from Arnav. He had taken her baby away from her, kept her away for fifteen months and yet she was so ready to just give into him. She sat up awake, her eyes taking their time to adjust to the darkness, it was 3 am. She rubbed her hand at the base of her throat, it felt dry and parched. She fumbled around for a jug of water but found none. She felt lost, stranded, taking a deep breath and calming her senses she slowly got out of bed and walked out of the room.

Her feet were light against the floor, it was weird, being here again, where he was, back in a place that she had vowed never to return to. She could still remember her nights, the accusations, she forced her eyes shut for a moment, willing those thoughts away. She turned around out of habit, her feet had somehow stopped at his door. She allowed herself a peak in, her eyebrows arching together. His bed was empty, the door wide open. She didn't know why but she slowly walked in.

I don't sleep in here anymore

His words came back to her, what did that mean? Her feet were slow as she allowed herself to walk around the room, it suddenly hit her how desolate it felt. She noticed even in the darkness that he hadn't removed any of the small things that she had left behind.

Her wind-chime still clinked its music to the wind.

The stars she had hung at a corner of the room, still twinkled upon the gleam of the moon.

She turned the light on, plunging the room into brightness. Her fingers brushed over the handles of the drawers then finally pulled one open, feeling her heart almost stop at the sight before her. The jewellery that she had been given when she had arrived, all the boxes that she had left behind still lay in the drawer. She closed that one quickly, opening another one. Her files and books. The next one; her little trinket boxes full of all of the earrings and rings that she had acquired. She stepped back, refusing to look at anymore. Why had he kept all of her stuff?

She walked down the steps slowly, lost in her own messed up world, a thousand thoughts coursing through her. Her eyes followed the path of the moonlight as it bathed the house in it's light, her gaze freezing the very next second. She felt her whole body go numb.

He sat there against the large glass window, the side of his face illuminated through the moonlight. His streaks of tears glistening down his face.

She wasn't so sure anymore...



Okay P.S. I feel that this story has been I dunno on for a while now and with my phase of late updates it sort of stalled for a couple of months too. So I'm giving you guys a choice this time. I can either separate them and have Arnav repent or keep them together and make Arnav repent (either way he repents lol or well already has but we'll get into that later). Basically I'm stuck on this idea and I can't decide :/. And the second one I can speed it up and end it quickly or keep things at the same pace. So lemme know. 
So I'm passing the decision to you guys, majority wins ;) 
Silent readers as well your opinions count so let me know, I don't bite xxx

Chapter 8 - Our Little Angel

Psst... A little erm surprise/clue in this chapter ;). It's quite sad so sorry about that, especially during the crisis that has taken over IPK. But just hang in there guys! In the end everything will work out I'm sure and if it doesn't ... well I'll still be growing old and telling my grandchildren that I used to watch an epic show called IPK that had the same amount of drama off-screen as it had on-screen :P xx. 

~

All because of you,

I believe in angels,

not the kind with wings

no, not the kind with halos,

the kind that bring you home

when home becomes a strange place

- The Good Left Undone, Rise Against

~

Khushi felt her feet slow of their own accord as she approached the door. The familiar pillars, the many layers of paint on them that she could still feel on her fingertips. He saw the tremble of her slight frame, her head slowly bow down as if in defeat as her footsteps neared the house, his house where had given her nothing but pain, the same house he had asked her to leave, the same house which had now become an open prison. He gulped down the torrents of pain that threatened to assault him once more, the onset of loss not far from him, he closed his eyes for a fraction of a second as her feet neared the threshold never had he imagined that his fate would be determined in such a way.

He hurried his footsteps as she took a step to the side, making sure that their bodies did not so much as touch and he felt that wave of pain pass through him once more. If only he could go back he would. He felt the key shake in his hand as it rattled slightly in the lock, he clenched his other hand into a fist, fighting for control. He was sure that if this control faltered for even a second he would come crashing down break down in front of her like the broken man that he now was. The knob almost slipped out of his hand, his nerves getting the better of him and he was sure he could already hear her tiny footsteps approaching. He tried to remember that face of his angel once more, try to calm himself by letting himself know exactly why he was doing this. His Arshia deserved a mother, Khushi deserved her child and he refused to acknowledge what he deserved of fear of what his own mind would answer in reply.

Khushi blinked several times, the large droplets of tears flowing down obstructing her view, she felt herself ebb forward, this little thing peaking out through the crack of the open door making her heart melt and bow to the floor. Her hand unconsciously went towards the almost toothless grin as the little girl continued to look only at Arnav. Khushi looked up then, her heart faltering for the smallest of seconds as she saw the serene gentleness that had now overtaken Arnav's features. She tightened her eyes shut, sorting her thoughts then taking a deep breath in let her hand touch the soft skin of her daughter and she felt herself fall to her knees as large caramel eyes looked to her, the little girls small smile disappearing in an instant.

She blinked several times, trying to recognise this face that she had seen many times before, she knew who it was. She took another step forward as Arnav too crouched next to Khushi and watched their little daughter, her small feet soft against the ground as she moved closer to Khushi. Khushi felt her eyes close under her gentle touch as Arshia placed her palm on Khushi's face, tentatively feeling for familiarity. The tears began to streak down Khushi's face, she felt herself loosing, falling into the depths of a feeling that she couldn't even begin to comprehend, her limbs going numb and weak.

Her eyes snapped open as Arshia's hand suddenly left her, she put her hand forward again unable to take being away from her for even a second but Arshia clapped her hands together, her small fingers coming together to make the smallest of sounds. Her face broke out into a large smile as she giggled to herself for a second, "mamma!" She exclaimed suddenly and all Khushi could do was stare on, her eyes wide, her mouth open, tears brimming in her eyes then falling down in torrents down her cheeks. She felt her mind go blank then, all she could see was Arshia all she could hear was that one word that she had thought she would never hear in her life. Her arms went out to Arshia automatically, engulfing her in her warm embrace, she cuddled her warm bundle of joy to her chest, her head bowed against her head, her sobs coming out in large hiccups as she rocked her back and forth.

Arnav watched this as if he was sitting in a distant place, Khushi's warm face against his angels soft cheeks, her affectionate little kisses, the tears glistening down her face, his mind suddenly numb to impending fears. A slow hopeful smile adorned his face, his eyes carrying the spark from years ago as he watched his family finally becoming complete. At the back of his mind hoping that maybe just maybe he would get a chance to pay back for all of his wrong, that maybe just maybe Khushi would give him another chance.

****

Khushi held Arshia in her arms, unable to comprehend the sheer storm of emotions coursing through her. All she knew was that she was finally holding her, this soft bundle of joy in her arms, soft tears continued to stream down her cheeks and she didn't make an attempt to wipe them away. Instead she rested her head against smiling Arshia, revelling in the beauty of the one thing she had thought she'd lost forever. Her arms involuntarily tightened around the tiny form, needing to just hide her from the whole world. "Aw my baby, how I thought I had lost you forever," she murmured into Arshia's hair, her tears dampening the silky strands. She didn't understand any of it, her heart still refused to believe that Arnav could be so cruel, so heartless, she couldn't find the strength in her to understand how he could hate her to such an extent. And then why had he finally told her? Why now? What did he want to prove? Was it guilt? Had he finally figured something out that now he was trying to make amends. Why was she never able to understand him. The glimmering beams of moonlight bathed her and her daughter in it's divine light as Khushi stood cradling her baby in her arms for the very first time.

Love 
I get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away I drive off in my car
But, whichever way I go I come back to the place you are

But all my instincts - they return
The grand facade so soon will burn
Without a noise - without my pride
I reach out from the inside

He watched from afar as she stood near the large glass panelled windows, he didn't know what to say or to do, how to amend all that he had done wrong. As he watched her with her arms wound tightly around their daughter, the tiny shimmers from the tears than ran down her cheeks he felt his heart melt and become numb. How long had he waited for this? How hard had he tried? To bring back what was lost, to give back what he had taken, to bring their lives back to this somewhat complete point. But in the midst of all the happiness that he was supposed to be feeling he couldn't stop his mind from whirring back to that feeling of impending grief. Because he knew that this would not last, that the mistakes he had committed were no longer forgivable in her eyes and he knew that she misunderstood him, thought that he had kept her baby away from her and he couldn't blame her, couldn't muster up the strength to be angry at her. He hadn't given her the option of explaining herself all those years ago so what right did he have to demand that chance from her. He couldn't keep the tears from gathering up in his eyes any longer but didn't want to breakdown and cry either. And that carried with it the biggest pain of all, the burden of keeping too many things bottled up inside, for so many years, for what felt like a lifetime for he had let go of the only person that had offered to lift away his burdens. He felt himself crumbling, he was breaking down, he could see it clearly now. Arshia in Khushi's arms, already forming their own little world that he was not a part of, he gulped back more tears as Khushi looked back and their gazes met, glimmering hazel against drowning caramel orbs.

In your eyes - the light, the heat
I am complete in your eyes
See the doorways of a thousand churches in your eyes
The resolution of all the fruitless searching
In Your Eyes

Love love love love love
I don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted, and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

She felt herself waver for a moment as they looked into each others eyes for what felt like the longest of times and somewhere inside her she wanted to forget it all, give him another chance. It was as if her heart was adamant on just forgiving him. Those molten caramel eyes, she wanted to believe them, take the plunge, complete the family that she had just found. She felt her heart constrict then, words from the past resurfacing. All that he had said, all that he had done, she forced her eyes shut for a second then looked away, gathering her thoughts.

He waited quietly, his limbs weak, his throat constricting, he didn't have to hear it to know what was going to happen next and for the first time in his life he didn't know how he would react, what he would do. Arnav Singh Raizada was at a complete loss and somewhere inside he knew he had already made that decision.

But, all my instincts - they return
The grand facada so soon will burn
Without a noise - without my pride
I reach out from the inside

Her footsteps were slow, soft as she paced over towards him, his eyes not leaving her for a second, the fear within them so clearly evident that she almost reconsidered her decision for a minute. She tightened her hold against Arshia once more, her eyes determined as her little daughter finally slept with her head in the space of Khushis neck. She saw him straighten as she finally stood in front of him, her gaze fixed on his haggard face. She allowed herself a better look at him, the handsom features that were still there behind the darkened stubble, the sunken eyes. She wanted to run her fingers over his face, watch him lean his face into her palm, his eyes close over as his lips gently pecked her skin but she wouldn't. She blinked several times, bringing that composure back. He looked like he hadn't slept in months and she wanted to comfort him, but she didn't. Instead she took a step towards him, holding his gaze and she uttered the words that he had been dreading all along,

"Arnav, I'm taking Arshia with me."

Love 
I get so lost, sometimes

****

The muscles of his face twitched several times as a faint glimmer of the moon cut through the  railings of the small square window up above. A slow snarl spread on his lips. It wouldn't be too long now till he got out.

Important Notes Reg. All FFs

So I still don't quite understand what is going on and frankly I'm not happy with any of it either. I hate being left out in the blind and not even knowing who exactly to be more pissed off at. But if Barun is leaving for good then I honestly wish him the best of luck and hope he reaches more and more heights in his career. It is a show after all and one of these days it had to come to an end.

For me I don't care if it continues or not anymore, although I would personally like it to end if Barun is not going to remain in the show.

Anyway regarding my FFs, I know some people have decided to wrap up their stories etc. etc. And therefore I have received some PMs asking if I will be wrapping up my FFs or just leaving them or whatever. And the answer to that is no I will not be wrapping up my FFs or discontinue writing :). Be rest assured. I have a lot of readers that have stuck with me even through the bad times so thank you so much for that and I'll keep writing as long as you guys show me the support :). I can understand a lot of people leaving IPK altogether with what has happened and I am also one of them although I won't stop reading FFs so for all the other people like me I will not be stopping them :).

Just imagine Barun in all of my Arnav/ASR roles, especially the Diwali Barun with the short hair :P. But then again I don't mind his hair part if that's what ya guys like :P.

Right now my updates are appearing a bit too late because I have piles and piles of work to get through. But I promise to sort my life out as soon as and get the updates up real quick!

I know a lot of you are demotivated and to be frank I was pretty down about this issue yesterday as well but I've made peace with it and moved on reassuring myself that IPK finished on a happy note after Shyam left :P.

I have also started a new FF which actually focuses on going back through all of the old episodes and re-writing aspects of them into the future, to sort of re-live the magic. So hope you like that :).

Updates will be re-starting starting tonight and I hope to get "When Truth Prevails," "Paper Roses" and "The ASR-KKG Files" updated by Sunday night. "A Sprinkle of Stardust is going through a sort of transformation in my mind so that will probably only be up mid-week next week :).

Sorry for the delay once again!

If the show does end here and the forum closes down or I stop coming on to IF or whatever the stories will always be updated on my blog!

The main index blog link is this: Beyond The Stars Index and it will always have a list of all of my FFs and OSs.

I hope you guys do continue to read my work and continue to leave your lovely amazing comments that never fail to make me smile! Stick in there guys! IPK or the true essence of it when it started was epic and legendary and it will always continue to be! In the end we only remember the good times so just remember the good times ;).

Lotsa Love Pinks xx