I may have failed
but I have loved you from the start.
-Fall For You,
Secondhand
Serenade
~
“I
don’t think I’m going to take her anymore,” she mumbled quietly.
His eyes widened, his arms tightening around Arshia
unconsciously as she too watched the silent words that refused to flow between
her parents. He didn’t understand, what did she mean? Or did he not want to
understand? He didn’t want to put his hopes up then watch them crash land once
more.
But she was Arshia’s mother, his mind whirred back to
what he had witnessed the night before, how easily Arshia had bonded with
Khushi despite her missing presence for fifteen months. What was he supposed to
say to this?
“I don’t understand,” he finally managed to mumble,
their gazes clashing then hers dropping just as suddenly.
Khushi attempted to hide the tears that once again
threatened to spill, the edge in his voice, his emotions that she could no
longer understand and instead she stood up quickly then walked out of the room.
He sat rooted to the spot for a few seconds,
attempting to arrange his thoughts, what was happening? Quickly placing Arshia
in the middle of the bed, a dozen pillows around her he too walked after
Khushi, his stride longer than hers.
She stood at the balcony at the far end of the
corridor, her shoulders hunched and trembling, he didn’t know what to do
anymore but his decision was equally as made. He wanted Khushi in Arshia’s
life, he wanted his daughter to have a mother even if it meant that he would
have to leave, even if it meant that he would no longer be a part of Arshia’s
life. And he had to tell her before it was too late.
She heard his footsteps behind him, each one crippling
her mind further, she wasn’t sure of how to react any longer. She wanted Arshia,
no she needed her, and she deserved her after all of these years, after months
of not seeing her, after a year and a half of believing that her baby was dead.
But she couldn’t stop her heart from reacting the way it did, she couldn’t tear
away the beautiful bond that Arshia and Arnav shared. She couldn’t take away
from the love and adoration she witnessed in his eyes every time he looked at
her, spoke of her, his final words ringing in her ears.
I don’t know what I’ll do when you take her
Her fingers tightened on the banister, as if she could
will him away by holding onto it. Drops of her tears falling onto the grained
wood then seeping into the depths of it.
“Khushi.”
She felt her whole body stiffen, she closed her eyes,
trying to imagine that she was not here, stuck in this tangle of emotions, in
the midst of his actions that she couldn’t comprehend.
His hand automatically went out to her shoulder then
stopped only inches away, hovering in mid air until he drew it back again,
folding his fingers into a fist, his helplessness clear in his fallen features.
“Khushi,” he tried again. He had the sudden impulse to
grip her by the shoulders and yank her around to face him, push her against the
banister and demand she take Arshia but he didn’t. He stopped himself,
clenching his fists at his side because those actions had been what had started
all of this in the first place.
“Look Khushi I want you to…” He struggled with his
words, words that did not come to him easily; it was his child too after all.
He couldn’t express to her how much he wanted to just keep Arshia yet knew he
did not deserve that.
Her breaths came out rapidly, awaiting the end of his
sentence, a storm raging through her mind.
“Khushi I want you to have Arshia,” he finally
managed, his words flowing out in a flurry.
She felt her whole body freeze, her mind go numb
for a second, she couldn’t hold it in any longer, every emotion, every
contradicting thought that she had been pondering over for all of these hours
coming through to the forefront.
She spun around rapidly as his eyes widened to the
suddenness of it.
“What the hell is wrong with you Arnav? Why are you
doing this?” She shouted, taking a step towards him, her eyes furious as he
backed away.
“What… But I don’t understand,” he managed to answer,
his voice not as audible, not the reaction she had expected but she continued
anyway, needing to get everything off of her chest. She was tired of
assumptions, of second-guessing, of his feelings that were always guarded by a
thick wall.
“What don’t you understand?” She screamed furiously.
“First you take her away from me…”
“I didn’t take her away from you!” He exclaimed,
cutting her off, taking a step forwards towards her.
“Yes you did Arnav! What the hell do you call this
then?” She couldn’t believe her ears, what was wrong with him? And here she was
giving away chances.
“Khushi I didn’t take her from you! You left! You
thought she was dead and you left!” He screamed, unable to take her
accusations, he deserved her coldness, her anger, but not this, not something
that he hadn’t done in the first place.
“Excuse me?” Khushi was sure she would explode with
the anger coursing through her. “How dare you tell me that I left my child?!
You took my child from me! You made me believe that she was dead! You told the
doctor to tell me that Arshia was dead!”
He stood numb with shock, his eyes wide, not sure that
he could believe she considered him capable of such a thing.
“You made sure that I didn’t see my daughter for all
of these years! That I lived a life half dead so that you could have your own
fucking way yet again!” She continued, taking further steps towards him, her
accusations slashing through him one by one.
He could feel his heart pound away against his chest,
his fingers digging in to his palms further with each word but wasn’t sure he
could find the words to respond.
Tears began to stream out of her eyes but she
continued, “it’s always been about you hasn’t it? Your happiness? What you
want? So why this change? Why this drama Arnav? What’s the point? What’s the
bloody point in bringing me in front of Arshia, giving me the choice to take
her? Why are you playing this game with me Arnav?” She exclaimed pulling at his
shirt, her hands fisting around the material.
His hands went round her fists suddenly, his grip
tight and unrelenting, his gaze meeting hers and penetrating. He yanked her
closer, her petite body knocking off of him.
“Stop,” his voice was hoarse at first, as
if he had just awoken his throat.
“Just stop!” He yelled the second time, causing
her to tremble in his hold.
“Chotey!” Anjali yelled just then, rapidly
clambering up the stairs and stopping a few feet away from the two.
He blinked several times, his hold slowly
loosening on her then pushing her out of his grip stormed off, his fists
clenched at his sides.
She began to frantically rub at her wrists,
her tears blurring her view.
“Khushiji are you okay?” Anjali questioned,
limping up to her but Khushi couldn’t prevent the tears that gathered and
streamed down her cheeks.
“I’m fine,” she quickly mumbled then walked
off.
****
His fist slammed into the wall, the skin on
his knuckles tearing and bleeding from the impact.
You
made me believe that she was dead!
You
told the doctor to tell me that Arshia was dead!
Her words continued to replay on his mind.
How could she think he would do such a thing?
He grabbed a vase that lay on the coffee
table, let his fingers tighten around the ceramic then flung that too to the
ground, letting the crash of it echo through his ears.
“Chotey! Chotey! What is wrong with you?!”
Anjali screamed, grabbing him by the shoulder and turning him around to look at
her.
She sent her arms around him, embracing him
as tears began to fall from his own eyes.
“Di I can’t do this anymore. She thinks…”
His voice was broken, heavy with tears, with the pain that he always carried
locked within himself.
She caressed his back, soothing him like a
child, “chotey, you have to talk to her, tell her what really happened. Your
silence is what started this and you don’t want it ruining things all over
again,” she finally spoke her mind, hoping that this time he would understand.
She would always stand by her brother, she knew that he had been wrong but god
knows he had tried to fix things and she knew how difficult that was. It was
always easier said that done, she knew of his sleepless nights, his constant
torment and she wished that fate would work to his favor for once.
He moved back quickly, their gazes meeting
then falling rapidly, he refused to be weak, to show that he was weak.
“Just talk to her, control your temper for
once and just talk to her,” she told him again, always the one to understand
her brother, his every action, the pain that he showed to no one.
He nodded slowly then walked out.
****
“Mr Roy, you are aware that these sort of
cases are not pardoned and that Mr Shyam Manohar Jha must serve the full period
of time he has been given,” the heavy set man sitting in front of Roy was
polite but to the point. His voice had that sharp edge to it that whenever he
spoke it rang of authority and finality.
Roy gulped, he still wasn’t sure of whether
he should have taken this up or not but it was pointless attempting to back out
now because with Shyam you just didn’t do that.
“Yes Sir, the thing is my client has new
evidence against the prosecution sir,” he stated trying to bring confidence
into his voice.
The man in front of him nodded slowly, “I
understand that but your client was charged with kidnapping, he was caught red
handed,” the judge finally stated, closing over the file in front of him.
“Sir but what if… What if there was an
accomplice?” Roy finally uttered the words, each one shaking with his efforts
to control the speed of his heart.
The judge stopped mid-action, his fingers
stilling on the edge of the file, then peered up at Roy above the specs that
were comfortably settled on his nose, “well then I guess that changes things.”
****
He walked into her room first, his feet
rapid against the floor. His eyes flickered over to every corner of the room,
she was missing, then fell to his little angel sleeping in the midst of the
pillows that he had carefully lain around her and felt his heart go a little.
He gulped back the fear and pain that engulfed him then, his eyes finally
falling onto the half packed bag then quickly strode out.
I find myself at your door,
Just like all those times before,
I'm note sure how I got there,
All roads they lead me here.
He arrived at Arshia’s room, his fingers
clinging onto the edge of the door then stood there for a few more seconds, his
gaze immediately falling upon her, her fingers against a frame and that’s when
his eyes fell to the little bag next to her feet. He thought his heart might
leap out of his chest, his face quickly loosing its colour and turning pale.
She was going to take Arshia with her.
“Khushi, I need to talk to you,” his voice
was loud, every word clear, it was the dread that kept him going now, that
crippling fear of losing everything all over again.
Her body straightened suddenly, her heart
stuttered than galloped on with it’s rapid beats. How dare he come back? How
dare he think that he could explain when he pleased, leave when he pleased?
Balling her hands into fists she spun around only to stand mere inches away
from his penetrating gaze. But this time she did not let herself waver.
“I don’t think I want to hear anything,”
she stated calmly, looking straight into his eyes then crouched down to pick up
the bag.
I'm right before your eyes,
I'm breaking.
No thoughts, no reasons why,
Just you and me...
This is the last time I'm asking you this
Put my name at the top of your list,
This is the last time I'm asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye...
He caught a hold of her wrist rapidly,
pulling her back up to look into his eyes.
She struggled against his grip, twisting
her arm. He pulled at her, bringing her closer to him as she glared at him
accusingly, unable to understand what he was going to do now.
“You’re taking her, I can’t let you take
her,” it was a statement, he was adamant on fixing this.
She tried to break away from his grip,
squirming in his arms, “Arnav she’s my child!” She exclaimed through gritted
teeth. “Weren’t you the one that wanted me to take her anyway? What the hell
has happened now? What changed?”
You find yourself at my door,
Just like all those times before,
You wear your best apology,
But I was there to watch you leave.
And all the time I let you in,
Just for you to go again,
Disappear when you come back,
Everything is better.
His hands tightened further, his eyes
furious, the rage flowing through him all too evident. “Because you don’t know
the truth!” He exclaimed, his nostrils flaring, the tendons of his jaw defined.
She tried to comprehend that, her eyes
large.
“Because she’s my child too! Because for
fifteen months I brought her up alone!” He screamed, she tried to cut him off
but he continued anyway, his hands further tightening around her wrists. “You
can’t just come here and accuse me of things that I haven’t done! I’m trying! I
want to fix things! I want to pay for the mistakes that I’ve committed but not
what I haven’t! How dare you think I would do such a thing?”
He pushed her away then, letting her
stumble then find her bearing. He pulled out a roll of paper from his back
pocket, grasping her hand and stuffing them into her palm.
“These are the police reports, read them!
Properly!” He commanded as she looked down at them, completely taken aback.
He took a step back then, creating distance
once more, he’d already said too much that he hadn’t meant to, his temper
getting the better of him like always.
“After you read them I’ll be okay with any
decision you take,” he mumbled, this time his words almost inaudible, his eyes
downcast. “If you still want to take Arshia with you then I’ll respect that and
let you,” with one last look at her, pools of drowning caramel he quickly
turned around then walked out.
I'm right before your eyes,
I'm aching.
Run fast, nowhere to hide,
Just you and me...
This is the last time I'm asking you this
Put my name at the top of your list....
~
Here we are at the start,
I can feel the beating of our hearts.
- A Call To Arms, 30 Seconds to Mars
~
Lyrics credit: The Last Time by Taylor Swift
