Thursday, 24 September 2015

Chapter 19 - As Our Whispers Come Alive




~
I've always been in love with you. I'll always be in love with you.
- Grey's Anatomy
~

She lifted her eyes slowly, it taking her a second to recognise the person standing outside. Khushi felt her whole life fall apart and fall back together again. She took her steps slowly at first and she did not know when she had fallen into a run, when she felt herself collide into his embrace.

She let Arnav's arms go around her, his stubbled cheeks caress her rosy soft ones, that familiar scent of his engulf her completely. She wasn't sure what was going to happen next and for the moment she did not want to think about that. All that she was sure of was that she had once again found home...

Then suddenly everything began to come back to her, how she’d left, how she’d been dragged, how he was the reason for all of this hatred. She pushed out of his embrace awkwardly, tightening her hold against Arshia then got into the back of the car.

He watched in shock, his eyes wide, not quite sure what had happened. Putting his turbulent thoughts to bay he too got into the car and fired the engine to life as she continued to stare off into the distance her thoughts in chaos.

****

Anjali placed her hand on the cold metal handle of the car door then closed her eyes and took a deep breath in. She opened the door slowly, finding her footing on the red ash grovel beneath her before stepping out completely.

He stood with his back to her, his hair an unruly mess, she could sense the fear kick in even before she approached him, but she would have to do this for her brother. She nodded for the driver to leave before she took another step in his direction.

He turned around suddenly, moving his jet black hair away from his face, a dark snarl spreading across his lips.

“Rani Saheba!” He exclaimed, his arms open as if waiting for an embrace. “And here I was thinking you’d never appear!”

****

She was out of the car even before he had turned the engine off, her arms tight around Arshia. Her mind was in chaos, unsure and afraid. She didn’t know who she was anymore, was she the woman that hated Arnav or the one that loved him? He’d taken everyone she’d held dear, ripped her life into shreds and yet she found comfort in him, wanted to forgive him, but how could she? She’d lost her parents, her bauji, her home and in return he’d chased her away, treated her like dirt.

She attempted to calm her nerves, her anger. “Deep breaths Khushi, deep breaths,” she whispered to herself as she held her tears at bay, her whole body trembling with the effort of controlling her every emotion. She placed Arshia who had now fallen asleep down in her cot, her small fingers trembling against the blanket as she put it over her little baby.

Arnav walked in just then, his feet quick on the ground and he was behind her within seconds, his face a picture of concern. His hand fell on her shoulder, the affection coming naturally to him.

She refused to turn back, to look at him, for fear that her anger would explode that she would not be able to hold it in any longer.

“What’s wrong Khushi?” He murmured, his husky voice soft and concerned, but that was enough to break her.

She turned around abruptly, throwing his hand away from her as he stared back, his eyes wide, hurt fleeting through the depths of his eyes.

“You’re what’s wrong Arnav! You ‘re what’s wrong!” She screamed, her emotions getting the better of her, her mind over her heart, her anger over her love.

He took a step back, not quite sure how to react, keeping a tight hold of his own anger that had no bounds, that both relieved and terrified him at the same time.

“I… I don’t know how to feel anymore!” She exclaimed as angry tears trailed down her face. “My parents won’t take me back! I have no place to call home! I wasn’t happy but I was surviving and now I don’t even have that!” She shouted taking further steps towards him as he automatically took a few back.

“And it’s driving me crazy! I don’t know who I am anymore! I hate you and I love you! I want to push you away but be in your arms at the same time! I can’t! I can’t do this anymore!” She cried, unable to take it anymore as she began to crumple down to the floor, her face in her hands, her small frame trembling before he leapt forward, his arms going around her.

“I don’t’ know what I feel! I can’t do this anymore,” she sobbed as he let her tears drench into his shirt, as he held her close, held her safe.

“Shhh shh Khushi, it’s okay,” he whispered into her hair, “it’s okay,” he murmured, holding her tight.

****

He braced himself before he took another step further, his hand stopping mid-knock as his eyes fell on her innocent form. She sat with her back against the bed frame, her thoughts seemingly lost in the distance. She was beautiful like she'd always been, a stray lock of hair graced her face innocently before she quickly tucked it behind her ear. He loved her, infinitely and irrevocably.

She looked up suddenly, sparkling hazel against molten caramel, their unspoken fears meeting and dissipating. He lowered his gaze, swallowing hard before he took a further step forward. She looked away again, her thoughts lost in a distance somewhere as she felt him sit down next to her, their arms almost touching, the warmth of him radiating towards her as she battled between her desire to stay and the fear that crippled her mind that was screaming at her to run.

He too rested against the bed frame. There were so many things he wanted to say, he had so many words for her, but none of them would leave his lips, he did not know where to begin.

"Thank you," it was almost a whisper and Arnav was sure he hadn't heard her right.

Taking a deep breath in she slowly turned towards him, large hazel orbs against charred caramel, furrowed brows. And suddenly she saw all of her worries fade away, her heart leave it's rigid clutches upon her past. Suddenly she felt lighter, like nothing was enough to stop loving him and her hand moved of it's own accord, at first stopping inches away from his face as his eyes followed, curiously, before she placed it in the middle of his brows, easing out his frown lines. He moved back almost instinctively, not quite sure what was happening. She smiled back, a smile that reached her eyes, before she reached forward again and whispered, "thank you".

This is us at our best, and our worst
And when we speak, does it feel unrehearsed?

Cause where I wane be is far apart
From where we are, from where we are
And I thought I found the place where we could start
Talk from the heart, talk from the heart

He stared back at her, his eyes wide, his mind in panic. She sighed, moving back to rest her back against the bed.

"You know for a very long time, I didn't know what to call home," Khushi began, her eyes focused on the distance once more. Her thoughts momentarily stopping on the barren ends of the swimming pool that used to hold his beloved plants and she felt a stab of pain in her heart. He was hurting, he'd always been hurting but he'd inflicted so much of that pain on her that she'd never been able to understand it.

Arnav gulped back his fears as he moved back next to her, not quite sure what was going on, thankful that he may not have to speak just yet. Not quite sure he'd ever be able to put his thoughts into words.

She let her fingers fiddle around with each other, scratching at the tip of her nails as she kept her carefully concealed tears at bay. Taking a deep breath in she continued.

“I remember so clearly, all of those years ago, walking out of my flat. It was late and I’d made up my mind and I didn’t even allow myself the permission to wander in the direction of your flat before I left the city.”

He looked towards her suddenly; he knew where this conversation was heading. It was going where it should have all of those years ago and finally that time had come. Perhaps this was what they both needed to put their pasts behind them.

“And after coming back, I remember my mind was never in one place, I was never completely content, there was always something missing.” She began to squeeze on her fingers as she allowed a sideways glance at Arnav. “But I just didn’t know how to get that missing part back.”

Before she continued any further she turned towards him, his eyes seemingly not have left her face. Their eyes met, glistening hazel against molten caramel, the embers of his eyes burning into her soul.

“I was back and I suddenly realised that I’d made this decision, that would change both of our lives. That I’d made a rash decision, but I no longer knew how to take it back, how to go back to you.” Her voice was breaking in places now and she tried with great difficulty to keep her emotions at bay. “I didn’t know whether you’d have taken me back.” She mumbled finally.

But you just say I’m perfect
Say I’m pretty
Say I’m worth it
But if you really care for me

Say love
I want you to say love
I want you to say love
When I say “love you”
You just say “me too”
But I want you to say you love

Arnav seemed to have lost all sense of time and space, his hand going over and around both of hers of it’s own accord. He let his eyes hover over her face for a few seconds before he dropped his gaze. “Of course I would have.” Sparkling speckles of hazel against burning embers of caramel, “I would have done anything to have you back,” he mumbled.

He looked back towards the dark night sky, sparkles of bright stars speckled on it’s dark canvas. He gulped audibly, if only they’d had this conversation all of those years ago, before his own insecurities had crippled him and brought him crashing down, before he’d torn her apart. He took his hand away slowly, as she followed it with her eyes.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had the ability to turn you away,” he mumbled softly, almost as if he was talking to himself. “You know I always kept hoping you’d come back, that maybe it would take a few weeks, then maybe months but that you would come back to me. And although I’d made up my mind, I don’t think I ever completely gave up on that hope.”

“I couldn’t bring myself to,” she tried to explain.

“I know, I don’t blame you,” he stated, cutting her off before she could finish.

“Khushi,” he turned around towards her completely, taking her hand into his once more, their eyes holding. “Khushi, when you first came into my life, I was still lost, still frightened. I had all of these walls, this guard on that I wouldn’t let anyone break through.”

She nodded slowly as tears finally began to slowly stream down her face.

“But somehow, you seemed to break through them and for the first time in my life I knew what it felt like to love. And when you left, none of that changed, I knew I would still love you, it was an emotion that was never in my control.”

“Arnav,” she murmured, sure that she was rapidly losing her ability to control her own emotions.

 “No Khushi, please let me say it today, please just this once,” she could feel the yearning, the helplessness in his voice.

He was finally saying it, everything that she’d wanted him to say but hadn’t and now she didn’t know how to respond. She could feel the soft glisten of the moon high up in the sky as it bathed them both in it’s light. She could see the ferociously burning embers in his eyes.

He took a deep breath in, watching the beautifully confused rays of emotions of her face as they weaved in and out. He gave her small hands a little squeeze, somewhat unaware of his actions himself. “I know this might be difficult to believe, that I certainly haven’t shown it,” he let his eyes hover over her face before letting them stay level, not leaving hers for even a second. “But Khushi, I don’t think I’ve ever stopped loving you.”

Her eyes widened, her hands almost pulling out his grasp before she hurriedly placed it back where it had always belonged. She felt something inside of her release and soar. There was a tingling that seemed to spread from her heart to the tips of her fingers and if it wasn’t for his warm grasp and sincere eyes she may have mistaken this all to be a dream.

“I…” Taking a deep breath in he let go of her hands once more, looking away, forcing himself not to breakdown. They were opening up the dam that were their emotions and he would have to continue till she knew it all. “When you came back, I was unsure… Unsure of myself, my hearts yearning, whether I was seeing everything realistically or whether my heart was just convincing my mind. I knew I loved you but I didn’t know whether you’d moved on, or was trying to move on and maybe just maybe I was getting in the way.” He stood up then and walked over to the large French doors. His back turned to her, his heart in his mouth, “and suddenly things were moving so fast, the first time you’d left, my life had come to this stand still again, and I guess I just didn’t know how to deal with it.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets, not sure how to go on.

She stood up too, taking nimble footsteps towards him, not wanting to disturb his chain of thought, it was important that he finally got everything out.

“And suddenly I was standing there and watching this nightmare unfold in front of me, Shyam with you… I… All o f my insecurities suddenly came to the surface and without thinking I came to my conclusions.” He turned around again, their eyes meeting once more, his glistening with still unshed tears, he grasped her hand again as her eyes widened, refusing to leave his for even a second. “I’m so sorry Khushi! I’m so sorry!” He placed his head against her hand, tears trailing down his face. “I’m sorry for ruining your life, for forcing you to marry me, for hurting you, for tearing you apart, for taking away everything you love,” he mumbled, his words broken, his body shaking.

She tried to pull away, shaking her head, unable to wipe the tears flowing down her own cheeks. “No no…” She began to mumble but he continued, lifting up his face to her, pulling her unconsciously towards him.

“But you need to know,” his fingers were tight around her hands as if he was holding on for dear life, “every time I hurt you, it hurt me more, every time I tried to hate you, I hated myself more.”

She placed her palm on his cheek, as his hand went around her wrist, their eyes meeting but their gazes blurry with tears. “And when I told you to leave it was because I knew I’d wronged you, because I knew I didn’t deserve you.”


Her eyes widened suddenly, her breath hitching in her throat, she tried to pull her hand away but his grasp was tight on her wrist. She hadn’t known that and she couldn’t believe her ears. She’d known he was hurting, that somewhere in a corner of his heart he must love her, but she’d always thought it had been his hate that had chased her out, not his love. And suddenly she wanted to forgive him with all of her heart, give him everything she had once again. She wanted to take him in her arms and never let him go, kiss away his insecurities and break down his walls. She carefully took her hand away, running her arms around him bringing him closer to her, as he buried his head in the crevice of her neck, his hot tears that had been held unshed for so many years finally melting into the softness of her skin, their bodies shaking as they shrugged off their fears and sorrows and finally let go of the past.

Say love 
I want you to say love
I want you to say love 
When I say "love you" 
You just say "me too"
But I want you to say love 

~
"It's just you and me, 
scattered amongst all of it, 
trying to find home."
- Tyler Knott Gregson

1 comment:

  1. wow,, update after so long....
    glad tht arnav went back to buajis trusting his instincts..
    and the convo after returning is awesome... both of them needed this ..and glad tht for once arnav spoke out how he feels

    ReplyDelete

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BeyondTheStars
I have too many stories in my head and sometimes I just need to put them out there for people to read. Fanfic writing was an idea that I hadn't considered at all until coming across some really good ones on India-Forums so my writing is an affect of too much IF trolling on lazy revision days. I get bored easily from studying (which I do too much of) and writing helps me relax. My life involves a whole load of drama so the twists and turns in my stories will show the effect of that. Anyway hope you enjoy the Arshi fanfics I send your way :).
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